Brave New Kitty

Be prepared. — Boy Scouts of America motto

When I was new to recovery, I was lucky to have a lot of good people in my life giving me good advice. Some of the best advice I ever got from my first AA sponsor was “always have a plan.” She was talking about taking care of myself, of course, which, in her context, mainly meant emotional care–that is, in situations of emotional stress, I should know ahead of time how I’m going to handle them.

This may sound like an obvious thing to do, but to me, it was not. In the family I grew up in, I never learned to take care of my emotional needs very well; actually, I don’t think I knew what my emotional needs were. For me, emotions were all about big overreactions. Either total withdrawing, as I’d done to survive my father’s rage, or having temper tantrums, as I did when I was acting out my father’s rage or my mother’s lack of boundaries. I was also quite good at putting myself in the path of other people’s inappropriate behavior, bad boundaries, and disrespectfulness, simply because I didn’t know any better…this emotional ignorance, in fact, was likely a primary cause of my addiction issues, as escape was the only way I’d discovered to deal with how bad all of this felt.

Anyway, after I’d been sober for a few months, I was going to visit my parents for the holidays, and I was terrified about it. Holidays in my family were full of tension. My father was always at his most rageful and unpredictable. But for some reason, although filled with dread, I’d dutifully promised my parents I’d be there to “celebrate” with them. I was still far too naive to think I could say “no.” After all, aren’t children obligated to spend holidays with their parents? I certainly thought so at the time.

My sponsor spent a lot of time with me, helping me prepare for the trip. We talked a lot about “having a plan” to take care of myself. She was very patient with me, repeating her questions until it finally began to dawn on me that they were not rhetorical, but actually answerable. What would I do if my father became drunk and violent, she asked me. What would I do if my parents started fighting? What would I do if I was shamed, ridiculed, or otherwise treated disrespectfully? Where were my boundaries–that is, what was I willing to put up with, and what wouldn’t I put up with? “I give you permission to take care of yourself, whatever that looks like,” she said to me, over and over, as she helped me put figure out what I was going to do during my first sober holiday with my family.

It was a huge revelation. Somehow, her “permission” gave me the insight I needed to give myself permission. Never before had it occurred to me that I could take care of myself in this way. That I could respectfully demand better treatment, and leave if I didn’t get it. Leave–what an idea! It was so risque, it filled me with shock–and excitement! I didn’t have to tolerate another awful holiday, if that’s what it came to. I was an adult. I could do what I wanted. I could leave.

And if I didn’t leave, I could do other things. I could call someone–yes, even though it was long distance (another horribly novel and risque idea for me, considering how much my father despised long distance phone calls!). I could find a meeting to go to–or better yet, make a list of local meeting times and locations before I arrived. I could take notes on my feelings and observations to rehash with my support people when I got home. I could pray.

The main point, I eventually realized, was not really what I did (beyond taking care of my physical safety, anyway). The point was that, after a lifetime of feeling helpless in stressful family-of-origin situations, I had finally embraced my power. I could do things differently. I didn’t have to do things differently–but I could. I had the capacity and the strength. Just as importantly, I had the support of people who understood, and who encouraged my budding self care in ways I could not have done for myself. I wasn’t in it alone, and this made all the difference. Without that loving support, I could never have stood up to the excruciating anxiety that came from trying to do things differently with my family.

Since that early beginning, I have had many people help me plan for better self care, as I in turn have done for countless others. We look at patterns, we discuss how we react and how we want to react differently, we role play, we address specific people, situations, and triggers, we go over possible scenarios and what we would say and do in each one, and we give each other “permission” to do things differently–maybe most importantly, we promise each other to be available to talk about the inevitable emotional fallout that will happen when we do. Without this kind of support, changing old, ingrained patterns is very, very difficult, if not impossible. So the first part of having a plan, I think, is having people to help you execute it. It’s all downhill from there.

Anyway, as you’re trying to make positive changes in your life, it’s a good idea to stay away from old triggers. But since you can’t always do that, the next best thing is to have a plan about how you’re going to deal with them when they come up. The mere awareness that you can have a plan, that it is possible to do things differently, can itself be a revolutionary idea that sparks tremendous spurts of growth and change.

So whatever you want to do differently, go for it! Know that you deserve love and respect, and make a plan to have them in your life. Go ahead; I give you permission. Not that you need it, of course, but sometimes it’s just good to know you have someone on your side.

Is emotional distance the same as emotional abuse? Both emotional distance and emotional abuse are hard to define, as they cover such a wide and varied range of behavior. Some people might think that a person being emotionally distant to them–that is, cool, aloof, unresponsive, uncommunicative, and unwilling to be vulnerable–is being abusive. In some cases, this is likely to be true. But I am not sure if, in evaluating your relationship, it is entirely necessary to answer this question, or if doing so will help you figure out what to do.

Emotional Abuse Defined
Because it involves such a wide range of behavior, there is no one definitive definition for emotional abuse. Wikipedia, calling it “psychological, mental, or emotional abuse,” says it is “a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.” Wikipedia also says emotionally abusive behaviors fall into one of three categories: dominant behavior, jealous behavior, and verbal aggression. Health Canada, the Canadian government’s public health organization, defines the characteristics of emotional abuse as “rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and ‘denying emotional responsiveness’”. You can find more information on Wikipedia and countless other web sites and books.

Personal history can also be a clue as to whether emotional abuse is taking place. Both emotional abusers and their victims usually have some form of abuse in their backgrounds. This makes sense, as mistreated children don’t learn what respectful treatment feels like, or healthy ways to meet their needs.

All of this provides good beginning guidelines for determining whether emotional abuse is present. And sometimes the abuse is obvious, as in the case of chronic irrational jealousy or blatant intimidation. But more often than not, emotional abuse is subtle and insidious, wearing at people and relationships like drops of rain on a rock rather than through cataclysmic events. Ultimately, decisions must be made by the person in the situation, usually with counsel from people she’s gone to for help and guidance after she’s realized that her own powers of discernment might not be enough to make good, self-loving decisions (and such self-doubt, not so incidentally, is also a clue that emotional abuse may be taking place).

Having said all that, arriving at definitions may not always be necessary when the overriding concern is doing what’s best for yourself. There are many far more important considerations.

Asking the Right Questions
People are emotionally “abusive” to each other all the time. We are all at times self-centered, self-absorbed, insensitive, harsh, cruel, unkind, unsympathetic, unempathetic, uncommunicative, uninterested, blaming, reactive, overly sensitive, frustrated, and even mean-spirited. We all have bad days that we occasionally take out on the people closest to us. We all feel misunderstood, hurt, and angry even when we’re trying our best not to. We  all have buttons that we don’t like to be pushed. In short, we are all human, thus, we all fall short of perfection. And when we do, there’s a good chance we will step on the feelings of the people we love.

Thus, the question is not so much whether we do “abusive” things, because we all do them from time to time. Nor is it whether we are the victims of abusive behavior, because we all, at times, are. Instead, there are other, far more pertinent questions to ask. The answers will give you much more insight into your relationship than the label “abusive” would. More importantly, they will be a good indication as to whether or not you’re getting what you want out of the relationship.

Is there a pattern of deliberately thoughtless or insensitive behavior? We are all occasionally thoughtless and insensitive. This is to be expected in all relationships, and is only part of the issue. The primary issue is whether such insensitivity happens on a regular basis. Is your partner routinely dismissive, belittling, cruel, ridiculing, critical, reactive, jealous, or otherwise insensitive to you and your needs? Are you routinely hesitant to be vulnerable with your partner because you expect a  negative response? Do you feel on uneven ground with him, in a state of constantly trying to please him or guess at what he wants/expect from you in order to “keep the peace,” while he is unconcerned about your needs or what you want/expect from him? Do you “walk on eggshells” according to his moods? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then the distance in your relationship has abusive characteristics.

Is there an abusive cycle present in our interactions? Emotional abuse usually follows a cycle of tension building–release–remorse–peace–back to tension building. If you can recognize this pattern in your relationship, it, too is an indication that the distance in your relationship has abusive characteristics. You can read more about this here.

Does my partner apologize and show genuine remorse when he/she does something thoughtless or insensitive, or does he/she try to place blame elsewhere? There is a difference between the remorse in an abusive cycle and genuine accountability for one’s bad behavior. Genuine accountability will take place much more quickly after the offending behavior, and it will be a simple apology, perhaps with an explanation, such as, “I had a really bad day at work and I’m sorry I took it out on you. I just realized how tense I am. Can you forgive me?” Remorse in an abusive cycle, on the other hand, will come after the release of tension, which will usually be an explosion of jealousy, accusations, condescension, or some other form of deliberate harshness. The apology will be maudlin, more about the abuser’s own remorse than about your feelings, and will often contain some subtle element of excuse or blame. It will then be followed by a period of peace, in which you feel very close (“makeup sex” is common in this phase), which gradually gives way to tension building and a repetition of the cycle.

Even if the abuse cycle is not discernibly present, we know when an apology is sincere. If you have even the slightest inkling that it might not be, don’t dismiss this intuition–pay attention to it! Mull it over, discuss it with someone you trust, notice how it affects you. Your intuition may turn out to be wrong, but even if it does, you’ll be very glad you took the time to figure it out.

Do I feel completely comfortable and able to be myself? Do I feel safe? In an abusive situation, we are constantly in alert mode, gauging how to behave by the mood and actions of the other person; there is an incredibly uneven balance of power. We may feel safe and comfortable at certain times, for example, right after sex when we are feeling most intimate, but that feeling is dependent on the “phase” the relationship is in and is not a given, as it would be in a safe, supportive–but sometimes distant–relationship. If our sense of safety and comfort routinely changes with the mood of our partner and the circumstances of our connection, then there is a good chance the emotional distance has abusive characteristics.

Sometimes, if a person grows up with abuse and has never really experienced an intimacy where she is free to be herself without risking judgment and criticism, she may literally not know what such intimacy feels like. This can make it difficult to know whether or not she feels comfortable in the relationship. In this case, a good question to ask herself would be, do I feel as free and safe with him as when I am by myself?

And yes, such intimacy is possible–not only is it possible, but it should be a given in a healthy, loving relationship. We may censor ourselves for many other reasons, but should never feel that we have to do so out of fear.

When I try to answer these questions, do I feel confused, uncertain, numb, or otherwise doubt my ability to trust my own perceptions? When a person is being emotionally abused, one of the primary outcomes is self-doubt. Emotional abuse undermines a person’s confidence. It makes her question her own observations and perceptions. When she tries to figure things out, she may feel herself go numb, feel “out-of-body,” or emotionally shut down. She will feel fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, and find herself at an utter loss to move past these to find a solution. And these dark feelings will, tragically, reinforce the critical messages that her abuser is communicating to her. It can be a very difficult cycle to break free from, particularly if she has an abusive past and little experience with positive, loving, supportive relationships.

Summary
Sometimes emotional distance can be indicative of emotional abuse. And it can be important to determine which is going on in your relationship, for your own sense of well-being, and also to decide whether the relationship is worth working on or not. Having said that, making this distinction should probably not be your primary focus in a troubled relationship.

I don’t mean to belittle emotional abuse. Quite the opposite! It is a tragic, awful thing that no human being should have to tolerate. But if we worry less about labeling and building a case against the person who’s hurting us (as we with abusive backgrounds are wont to do, largely because we trust external evidence more than our own feelings), and instead focus on a)whether we’re getting our needs met, and b)what we want to do about it if we’re not, then the issue of abuse becomes largely moot, and we can put our energy into learning what makes us happy and how to get it. How to get our needs met is the lesson we really need to learn, and once we can do that, everything else will just kind of fall into place.

I have learned that each of us enters this world as “enough”, and that “enough” lives and breathes inside me. “Enough” will shine from within, if only we let it.–Roxanne Galpin, www.traceyclark.com/iamenough

I found this great website where women share their thoughts, stories, poems, videos, and photography about “I am enough.” What it means to them, how they came to believe it, or their ongoing struggle to believe it. It’s really beautiful. It made me want to write down my own thoughts about “I am enough.”

The first thing that occurs to me when I hear this is that I want to own it. Or not so much own, but acknowledge as the birthright that I know is inside of me. I feel sad about how hard it is to accept as true something that I know is true. And I know it is true because I have had many experiences, during meditation, or being out in nature, or just having it sneak up on me while I’m thinking about something else, that it is the truth. In those brief crystalline moments when all my fears, anxieties, expectations, and insecurities are stripped away, “I am enough” is what remains. It is plain and obvious and right, so natural that I often wonder how I, and people in general, have moved so far away from it that recognizing it takes all we have and even then, it comes only in glimpses.

Of course, I’m not talking about being enough in the sense that I can accomplish all that I want, become all that I want, know all that I want, or have all that I want. None of these are possible. I will never be the perfect anything; certainly, I will never experience or accomplish a fraction of my desires. We enter the world incomplete, we get to work on ourselves for awhile, then we leave the world incomplete. All consciousness is a work in process. There is no end point. There is no point of satiety. There is no “enough” in this sense. And paradoxically, it is in accepting this and surrendering to it and embracing it that I have found the most potential to recognize my “enoughness,” which does indeed exist inside of me regardless of any external circumstances.

So being enough is not so much about becoming anything as it is about recognizing what is already there. I’m not enough to be and do and have all that I want in life because nobody is. But this is not what enoughness is. Enoughness exists beyond our physical capacities, our mental acuity, even our emotional well-being (or lack thereof). Enoughness is an inherent human quality we need only claim as our birthright; nothing else is required, except of course to truly own it. Which makes sense, doesn’t it, if you think about the definition of “enough:” it stands alone. It wants nothing, needs nothing, expects nothing. Enough is whole in itself, and it belongs to me–or I to it, or perhaps they are one and the same. I believe they probably are.

“I am enough” is, really, a spiritual truth.

I don’t need to convince myself, work on myself, or reach some point of accomplishment at which I believe I’m enough. None of that will do it, anyway; that isn’t what enoughness means. In fact, such efforts are the opposite of enoughness. All I need to do is remember, truly and with all of my being, that I don’t need to do any of these things, that my enoughness is always and already there. Just remember.

I wish this weren’t so hard to do. Sometimes I feel like there’s something  wrong with me because this is so hard, when it seems like it should be the simplest thing in the world. So I try to remember, in those lean times, that everyone struggles with it if they are able, and that to have the opportunity to struggle with it is a great fortune that I ought not take for granted.

I am enough. You are enough. We are all enough. We always have been, and we always will be. And we all already know it, too. The still, small voice tells us; all we have to do is listen.

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.–Victor Frankl

If you’ve never read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey, you should consider doing so. (And if you read it fifteen or so years ago like I did, when it was at the height of its popularity, you should consider re-reading it.) You might think it’s a book about succeeding in business, but it is not that at all. It’s a detailed, step-by-step description of how to live a principle-centered life.

One of my favorite exercises in the book is creating a personal mission statement. You know what a mission statement is: it’s a statement used by some entity, usually a corporation, that boils down their business philosophy into a few short phrases or a bulleted list. A typical mission statement might read something like, “To provide optimum goods and services to our customers, to treat customers and employees fairly, and to act in an ethical and responsible manner in all our endeavors.” You might think a mission statement is meaningless business speak made up by company executives so that their employees and customers think they have morals. In some cases, I’m sure that’s true. But when done in a true effort to distill beliefs down to essential “first principles,” a mission statement can be an immensely worthwhile effort.

Covey explains the purpose of a personal mission statement, which falls under the Second Habit: Begin With the End in MInd. He says, “The most effective way I know to begin with the end in mind is to develop a personal mission statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (contributions and achievements) and on the values or principles upon which being and doing are based.” He goes on to compare the personal mission statement with the Constitution of the United States, saying that “The Constitution of the United States is the standard by which every law in the country is evaluated. It is the document the president agrees to defend and support when he takes the Oath of Allegiance. It is the criterion by which people are admitted into citizenship. It is the foundation and the center that enables people to ride through such major traumas as the Civil War, Vietnam, or Watergate. It is the written standard, the key criterion by which everything else is evaluated and directed.”

This is how a person should look at creating a personal mission statement. It is your Constitution, a statement of deeply held personal beliefs and values that guide you through your life, help you live by your own chosen standards, and enable you to pursue and achieve the goals that are most important–because they are based on your values–to you.

How do you go about creating a personal mission statement? Without stealing all of Covey’s wonderful details, which you should read for yourself, I will say that you must begin with personal responsibility, with the idea that you, and only you, are responsible for the beliefs you hold and the actions you take. Whether or not your beliefs have been influenced by others is irrelevant at this point. You can deal only with what you have at hand, and it is your responsibility to do so. If you do not invest in this idea, you won’t really be able to soul-search in the way necessary to come up with your own most deeply held beliefs and principles.

Once you accept ownership for your life, then you must ask yourself, What do I want to do with it? What’s important to me? Why? What do I need to look at more closely? What do I want to change? What makes me truly happy and proud?

This process will not (and should not) be quick, and it should not be easy. As Covey says, “the process is important as the product.” Going through this process forces you to think through your priorities deeply. It heightens self-awareness and makes you think through your daily, routine actions with a new perspective. Ideally, it will help you align your behavior with your beliefs. It should take weeks or even months to write a personal mission statement, and in the end you should have a document of principles and values that will largely determine your desired path, will guide you down it, will steer you back to it if you stray, and will provide stability and even comfort in times of crisis. Your personal mission statement should be to you what the Constitution is to the United States.

As your personal Constitution, the mission statement should address your important concerns, but it should address them from a universal rather than a detailed perspective. It should be based on principles like honesty, perseverance, kindness, continued self-improvement, and the like. Goals and details about how to achieve them are important, too, but they must come after the mission statement, which provides the foundation for determining and achieving them.

I read The Seven Habits in 1994. I’d forgotten what a great book it was. Looking back now, I see that many of my beliefs about personal responsibility and the importance of leading a value-based life (or “principle-centered,” as Covey calls it) came from this book. In fact, I was so impressed with this book that I did something I almost never do: I took Covey’s advice and wrote my own personal mission statement. I took my time and put a lot of thought into it, just as he said, and when I was satisfied with it, I printed it and framed it and hung it over my desk, where I could read it every day. And I did, indeed, use it as a guide and a reminder about what really mattered to me.

My life has changed a lot since I wrote my personal mission statement in April of 1994, and I’d long since packed it away and forgotten about it until recently. There are a few things I’d change, but for the most part, it still stands as a “constitution” for my personal conduct and values. I’ll share it now, as an example of what a personal mission statement might look like:

I will:
Strive for personal growth.
Be here now.
Forgive myself.
Think positive.
Live in the solution.
Be a loyal friend.
Remember that people are the most important.
Use my pain to help others heal wherever possible.
Eat right, exercise, and take care of myself.
Be honest.
Be helpful without seeking reward.
Be willing to work toward goals.
Forgive.
Strive for ever deeper levels of love for others and myself.
Be tolerant, compassionate, and nonjudgmental.
Take risks and expand my horizons.
Be financially responsible.
Practice gratitude for all that I have, and all that I don’t have.
Believe that I’m doing the best I can.
Be a good worker.
Be true to my own ideals.
Build people up, not tear them down.

April 1994

A bad word whispered will echo a hundred miles.–Chinese proverb

Do you know what charged words are? Even if you’ve never heard the phrase, you can probably guess that charged words are words that evoke strong reactions in people. Charged words can be very general, such as vulgar profanity and ugly words like “lazy” and “stupid” used in overt verbal attacks. There are also those used by politicians, preachers, and advertisers to evoke strong reactions: “terrorists,” “war on drugs,” “eternal damnation,” and “weight loss,” to name just a few.

Charged words can also be very personal, used by people who know each other well; personal charged words are those that attack a person’s perceived areas of weakness or shortcoming when that perception is well known by both. Couples who’ve been together for a long time and have a lot of unresolved issues with each other are masterful at the charged words game, passive-aggressively poking at each other as though it were the most innocent thing in the world. Parents and kids are usually pretty good at this game, too, expertly attacking each other’s weak spots in an attempt to get what they want. This kind of behavior is hard to watch, because although it can result in short-term gratification, it never results in what people really want, which is feeling valued, feeling close, and feeling heard.

Charged words can also be phrases that seem harmless, but which, in certain contexts and with certain tones, can be withering. Starting sentences with phrases like “just because…”, “why do you…”, “you never…”, “you always…”, “you should…”, “everybody else…”, quite often signals that a shaming or blaming comparison or complaint is coming, and rarely serves the purpose of good communication. These types of charged words are the hardest to deal with because they’re often so subtle that we don’t recognize them and thus can’t respond well to them; we know we’ve just been walloped, but can’t quite figure out what happened. Even worse to realize is that we often use these words without being aware of what we’re saying. This is particularly true if you grew up in a family with a lot of shame, where using phrases like these tends to be as natural as breathing.

People who use charged words tend to downplay their significance and make you feel like you’re being too sensitive. “Sticks and stones,” they’ll say, or something to that effect, and maybe even laugh outright, ridiculing your hurt or anger as though there’s something wrong with you for having such a reaction. But words have power. They can unite and divide, convince and dissuade, call people to action and soothe their anxiety. Words actually have tremendous power–and people who routinely use charged words know this, even if they deny it.

Using charged words is not an either/or, either you are the type of person who uses them to manipulate others or you don’t. We are all guilty at times of using charged words in moments of anger, hurt, or confusion; sometimes we just want to win an argument so badly that we resort to this underhandedness. Politicians do so routinely, glibly hurling empty accusations and insults back and forth, which is one reason I find it so difficult to give much credence to anything they say. And they rarely show any remorse for these tactics, either, giving the impression that such low blows are completely acceptable, respectable behavior.

But using charged words is neither acceptable or respectable. It is manipulative and dishonest, and it builds walls instead of bridges, which is rarely what we truly want. Eliminating charged words from your repertoire is important to having good relationships, and this is true whether or not you are consciously aware of using them. Equally important is knowing how to respond when charged words are directed at you by other people.

Eliminating Charged Words From Your Vocabulary

• Familiarize yourself with charged words in general. One of the best books I ever read about this The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin. Here also is a link to her website, which discusses these ideas in a different format. If you learn to pay attention, you will be amazed to discover how common charged words are, and how much a part of your vocabulary they might be. As always, wisdom is power, so recognizing the words and the patterns people use, ourselves sometimes included, is a good start.
• Familiarize yourself with your personal charged words. We all have at least a vague idea about what words tweak us. One of mine, for example, is “oversensitive,” a word I heard a lot growing up when I would have a big reaction to the charged words my father directed at me. My partner knows this and is careful not to use this word with me when we’re in a heated discussion. He has his hot-button words, as well, and unless I want to escalate the conflict, I am careful to avoid using them.
• Think about what you want to accomplish in a conversation before you start talking. This may sound obvious, but most of us can benefit from thinking things through more carefully before having a conversation, particularly if we know the conversation is going to be a difficult one. When making our points to someone who disagrees, it’s so very easy to get defensive and say things we regret, or get sidetracked by charged words in a way that completely changes the outcome of the conversation, not for the better. The more aware we are of what we want, the more likely we’ll be to use language that will help us get it, and to do so without hurting or offending others.

Responding to Charged Words

• Don’t defend yourself. If someone asks you a nasty or shaming question, never respond to the question and never defend yourself. Doing either gives the question validity it does not deserve. For example, if someone asks you “Why do you always have to dress like that?”, your response shouldn’t be to answer the question or even to say, “Dress like what?” because any response like this implies that you think the question is acceptable, which it is not. Rather, your response should deflect the nastiness back onto the person asking, as in “I wonder what would make you ask me such a thing?” or “How interesting that you would ask that.” No response at all would be acceptable too, if you think it would end the conversation.
• If appropriate, tell the person in a calm voice that you think they’re using charged words and how that makes you feel. If it is a person you’re close to, or want to be close to, quietly explain what you think is going on and that you don’t want to participate. This is even better than deflecting, because it gives both of you an opportunity to increase honesty and intimacy. Not everybody will respond well to this, but if you think a person will, kind directness is always the best policy.

Charged words are common, mostly because they’re effective: few of us are equipped with enough knowledge to handle them well, so we get defensive and flustered, which is generally what people using charged words want to happen. Furthermore, almost all of us are guilty of using them from time to time, even if we’re unaware of it. Paying attention to language is a way to eliminate charged words from our vocabulary and gird ourselves against attacks when they come our way, which they inevitably will. Words are powerful, and understanding how and why this is so is a way we can empower ourselves.

Critical thinking is important, but so are emotions. Some people have the misconception that being a critical thinker means being cut off from your emotions, or that reason is somehow a superior substitute for them. Many set up a weird sort of dichotomy between thinking and feeling, as though there is an either-or choice to be made and one must be sacrificed for the sake of the other. Nothing could be less true. Reason and emotion play separate-but-equal roles, each vital in its own realm. The goal should not be to have more of one and less of the other, but rather, to recognize the roles of each and strive to develop both as best you can.

Maybe the reason for the weird dichotomy so many of us have is that people do tend toward one or the other: thinking/feeling is actually one of the four axes on the Meyers-Briggs personality test. So not only is there a gap between thinking and feeling, it is considered important enough to be a defining characteristic of a person’s personality. But just because we gravitate toward one end of the spectrum doesn’t mean we can’t develop the other end, or that it is unnecessary to do so.

A good starting point might be to define the roles of thinking and feeling. Thinking is our primary survival mechanism. Human beings do not have great strength, speed, or stamina, do not have particularly good vision, hearing, or smell, we cannot camouflage ourselves or weather long spells of adverse conditions. What we do have is a highly developed brain, which we use to solve problems. The problems of today are very different than they were when we first began using reason–and incidentally, this “higher class” of problems is indicative of the great success of reason, as it has taken so far beyond mere survival–but the process is basically the same. The greater our ability to reason, the more successful we will be in solving problems. Since life is one long series of problems to solve (some good, some not so good), success at problem-solving generally means success at life.

Feelings serve an altogether different, but complementary, function. My favorite definition of feelings comes from John Bradshaw: Feelings are tools that allow us to know when we’re fulfilling our needs. Perhaps the most primal example of this is the fight-or-flight instinct. When we’re in danger, fear is always our first reaction because it motivates us to act. In this case, our need is survival, and our emotions–fear and the desire to survive–motivate us to attend to that need. Yes, reason ought dictate how we attend to that need, but the need itself is essentially emotional.

Now, Bradshaw’s work focuses on healing from traumatic childhoods, and his interest in emotions is more about identifying what we want and what makes us happy, but the definition still applies. The point is that emotions signal us of our needs and whether we’re fulfilling them or not. This includes what we want, who we want, if we’re happy, if we’re taking care of ourselves, if we’re lacking something important in our lives; basically, if we’re on track or not. People who live too much in their heads and ignore their feelings can spend years, sometimes a lifetime, doing something that isn’t what they want and doesn’t make them happy. And sadly, you can see such people everywhere you look.

Thus, emotions are necessary, as necessary as our ability to think. You might say that thinking allows us to sustain our lives, but emotions make doing so worthwhile. For example, we can think our way into making good choices, but we can’t think our way into feeling good about those choices; we can think our way out of problems, but we can’t think our way into a sense of well being and contentment from solving those problems; and we can think up new ideas and be disciplined about completing them, but we can’t really think our way into the creativity so vital to that process. In each case, thinking and feeling complement each other, creating a whole that either alone cannot.

People with highly-developed reasoning skills are the most likely to believe they can live an emotion-free life, or that relegating emotions to certain areas–one’s personal life, for example–is a good solution for dealing with “messy” and “undesirable” feelings. People who think this way, though, can be dissociated from their feelings rather than in control of them, and might be avoiding messy and undesirable feelings because they fear dealing with them. They’ve essentially thrown the baby out with the bath water: in repressing scary and unpleasant feelings, they’ve also cut themselves off from good feelings and from the sense of wholeness that comes when feelings working in tandem with reason. Not every reserved, intellectual person falls into this category, but many do, simply because so many of us have unresolved feelings and this is one very convenient way to avoid dealing with them.

Conversely, though, people who act highly emotional aren’t necessarily more in touch with their feelings. Being overly dramatic or easily upset rarely means people have a healthy relationship with their feelings (even though they may make such declarations). More likely, it means they either have unresolved issues lurking just under the surface, or that they have learned to use emotional displays to get what they want (in a rather passive-aggressive form of problem solving). Rarely are big emotional displays or a preoccupation with one’s base emotional desires indications of an emotionally well-adjusted person. Instead, emotionally well-adjusted people are simply comfortable with their feelings and have a good sense of how they fit into their decision-making processes, neither avoiding them or giving them too much power.

Emotions and reason are separate developmental streams, mutually exclusive but equally important. Being on one end of the thinking/feeling spectrum is normal, but that doesn’t mean developing the other area isn’t important. It just means it will require effort that may initially feel uncomfortable, but will ultimately have positive results. When reason and emotion work together, each fully functioning within their respective realms, is when we are operating at our highest capacity.

I’m afraid people will stop liking me if I set boundaries with them. What if they “go away” when I do this?
This fear is also a definite possibility. Sometimes people are so concerned with having the upper hand in their relationships that they deliberately choose friends and even a significant other (sometimes, especially a significant other) on the basis of being the one in control. They are almost always oblivious to this fact, as you are that you gravitate toward these types; as I once heard, “the knots in your head fit the holes in theirs.” That is, it is not a coincidence that poor boundary setters have people in their lives who trounce on boundaries. It’s sort of a pathological version of the yin/yang, an intuitive yet skewed attempt to seek balance where we lack it. The intuition is right, but the methodology is wrong, wrong, wrong. (And this goes for both parties, by the way, so learning to have more equal relationships helps the other person, too–if he’s willing to hang in there with you).

If people go away when you try to set healthier boundaries with them, I say good riddance! We set boundaries so we can have more honest, more respectful, and more satisfying relationships. If people aren’t interested in this, you are better off without them. This may not help deal with the sense of loss you’ll sometimes have to deal with, I know. But take comfort in doing the right thing, and knowing that you’re culling the weeds from your relationship garden–which will inevitably make room for more flowers.

What if these are relatives I still have to have a relationship with?
These are probably the hardest boundaries to set. Often what happens is that these relatives set up a vicious power struggle dynamic and never stop trying to suck you into it and make you feel bad, awful, and terrible for trying to change. The best you can do is sidestep the power struggle completely: never, ever, ever engage! Respectfully say, “I wish you felt differently” or “I’m really sad you feel that way” and nothing more. Let the dead air hang between you. Let the person’s mean-spiritedness go unanswered. You are under no obligation to defend yourself against such childish, self-centered attacks. Eventually, with luck, the struggle will stop and you will be able to rebuild the relationship. If not, you must question what you get from this person that’s good for you; no relationship is set in stone, particularly a disrespectful one, no matter what that person is to you.

What if setting a boundary escalates a confrontation or bad situation?
Chances are people unhappy with the new boundary will try to do just that. But it is not the boundary causing the conflict; it is their reaction to it. If they’ve been successful in the past in getting you to shoulder the blame for problems in the relationship, this will probably be the first thing they’ll try! And try and try!

Here is where you should remember to be respectful, to speak in a low, controlled voice, and to, once again, refuse to engage in a power struggle. When people try these tactics, you are always free to walk away, perhaps after calmly refusing to take up your role in the struggle, as in, “I am not going to fight about this. But I do want to talk about it, so let’s do that when we’re both calmer, okay?” And walk away. Just walk away! Do it a hundred times if necessary, but do it. Because as soon as you engage, you lose all credibility.

Again, also remember that old patterns are hard to break. It’s very very hard to stay calm when you’re being attacked. So if you get flustered and engage, it’s not a big deal. Forgive yourself and try again–and again and again, if necessary. You’ll get it right eventually–but only if you keep trying!

I’m afraid that I might set a boundary and not be able to stick to it. What if this happens?
Being a new behavior, this is bound to happen. Heck, it happens to people who are good at setting boundaries! Circumstances change, people change; none of us are set in stone, ever. If you don’t always stick to a boundary right away, it’s usually not that big a deal. You just pick up where you left off and try again; in some cases, you may have to provide an explanation as to what’s going on, as in, “I know I said this, and then went back on it, and I’m sorry if that was frustrating for you. This is new behavior and I’m not good at it yet.” People will usually respond well to this, but if they don’t, once again you have validation for setting the boundary in the first place.

There is one area, though, where you must follow through on any boundary you set, and that is in the case of threats. For example, do not say, “If you drink again, I’m going to leave you” unless you fully intend to do so and have formulated a plan for doing so. Or do not say, “If you don’t clean your room, no television for a month!” unless you absolutely mean to carry it out. If you’ve ever seen a child throw a temper tantrum in public, chances are it’s because he knows his mother’s threats are idle and his behavior will get her to relent and give him what he wants. If four year olds can take advantage of this, think what adults can do with it! (It’s also worth thinking about, by the way, what kind of adults such children will become, but that is another topic.)

If you want people to respect you, don’t make idle threats. If you say you’re going to do something, mean it.

Even though I know it’s not true, I feel like I’m a bad person if I set a boundary, I think because I know I’ve disappointed somebody. What can I do about this?
I struggled with this, too, and I’m going to deal with it more in my next post, which will be on emotional fallout. It should be of some comfort to know that it is very common, especially for women, to feel like they’re doing something wrong when they start to take better care of themselves; having loved ones telling us we are doesn’t help matters, either. This is where the work we’ve done to gain insight and understanding is helpful; it can keep us going in situations that feel wrong, awkward, scary, and make us want to give up. It’s also extremely helpful to have at least one person, such as a therapist, to encourage and support us in this difficult new behavior.

This is a time to buck up and be strong, despite your anxiety; to do the next right thing because you know it’s the next right thing, regardless of what your fear might be telling you. You’re not bad, you’re not selfish, and you’re not crazy. In fact, you’re good, brave, and wise for wanting to make better choices. So let the old tape run if you must, but try not to listen to it; it can’t help you anymore.

***

Setting better boundaries are basic self care decisions that are in everybody’s best interests. Remember that by setting boundaries, you are giving other people the opportunity to have more honest, more equal, and more satisfying relationships, too. As always, when you take care of yourself, the whole world benefits.

Part of improving your boundary setting skills is discovering what your underlying issues are, which I talked about in my last post. This is important because insight and honesty with oneself are such powerful tools in the quest for personal change (I would go so far as to say that positive change is not possible without these two elements). This next piece of the boundary setting puzzle is about dealing with what happens when we actually start doing it–and not backing down or giving up on ourselves. The goal of this post is to help you address the scary thoughts and feelings that can come up, and continue to improve your boundary setting skills in spite of them. In the interest of answering all those “what-ifs” that can come up and hold us back, I’ve done this in a question/answer format, which I hope is helpful.

I should also note that the type of boundary setting I’m addressing here deals primarily with what I would call an uneven balance of power, and how to correct it. In other words, how to stop being a doormat. There are other boundary issues, mostly centering around impulse control, that I’ll address in future posts–although some of this information should be helpful for those concerns, as well.

How do I know when I’m ready to start setting new boundaries?
Easy. You’re ready when you say you’re ready. The key to setting good boundaries is just like the key to anything else: practice. Once you decide that you want to have different relationships, you can start doing so. You don’t have to wait until you understand all your issues perfectly; if that were the case, nobody would ever accomplish anything! Perfect is the enemy of good here, and often an excuse to avoid doing this scary thing. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to do it perfectly–and you probably won’t the first few times you try. You don’t set out to, of course, but if you lose your temper or hurt someone’s feelings, it isn’t the end of the world. New behavior is just that: new and therefore awkward. So give yourself permission to fail, to dust yourself off, and to try again. And again and again if necessary; this is hard stuff. This is the stuff that apologies are made for. (And I don’t mean for trying to set the boundary! Hurtful words and actions are what require apologies; taking care of ourselves does not.)

I don’t even know where to begin. What’s the first step in setting a boundary?
The first step is to know what it is you want to accomplish. In most cases, this can be stated as, “I want to have better relationships” or “I want to stop feeling like I never have any power in this relationship.” Both fine goals. Or, you can choose one for yourself that feels right to you. But it’s a good idea to know what your goals are before you start the process. This way, there will be fewer opportunities for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

What if I get so flustered I forget what I want to say?
This is common. Setting boundaries is scary! If you get dumbstruck in the face of conflict, or even just the hint of it, you are not alone. And if this is the case, you have several options. You can rehearse what you want to say in front of a mirror until you know it by heart. You can role play it out with a friend or therapist until you feel comfortable. You can bring someone with you for moral support, or have them waiting in the wings to hash it through when you’re done. You can even write down what you want to say and read it to the person!

Just as you give yourself permission to fail and try again and again, you must also give yourself permission to do whatever works. And the more flustered you think you might get, the more methods you should consider to feel safe and confident in the face of this brave, frightening thing you’re doing.

Are there any rules to follow?
Yes:

• Be respectful, kind, and calm.
• Don’t engage in power struggles or try to justify why your desires are “right.” Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Walk away–just walk away!–with or without an explanation; you certainly don’t owe one to anybody who challenges why you feel the way you do.
• Use “I” language, not “you” language, as in “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to leave now” instead of “You’re overwhelming me.” This keeps blaming to a minimum and can also feel quite empowering.
• If you lose your temper or otherwise screw up, apologize–and mean it. Then try again. Repeat as necessary.
• Forgive yourself when you fall short of any of these.
• Don’t give up.

What if someone gets angry when I try to set a boundary with them?
I won’t lie to you; this is a valid fear and is almost certainly going to happen. Setting boundaries pisses people off. Nobody likes to be told “no” whatever the situation, but especially if you’ve been saying “yes” for years and suddenly, out of the blue (from the other person’s perspective) say “no.” Some of this anger will merely be normal surprise at the changed dynamic in the relationship. This is the easiest anger to deal with: Stick to your guns, firmly but respectfully, and the new dynamic will eventually feel normal to both of you. Some of the anger, however, will go deeper. People used to getting their way don’t like being stripped of this power; this is especially true with significant others, parents, and children, all of whom can go to nasty lengths (belittling, threatening, and name-calling, for example) to try to restore the old power dynamic. Sometimes even co-workers and friends will do this (although you have to question how good a friend is if she resorts to such means). People with the upper hand rarely welcome such change, even if it’s the best thing for the relationship.

The point is, if you want to set boundaries, you must get used to the idea that people are probably going to get angry, and sometimes in ugly ways. You must prepare yourself for this going in. Expect it! Rejoice in it, even! And rather than let their tactics dissuade you, see them as validation that you’re on the right track–that the power dynamic in the relationship is out of balance, and you’re trying to do something about it. Yay!

To Be Continued…