Overcoming a Dysfunctional Litter
“Hanging onto yourself” is a concept that David Schnarch talks about in his relationship guide, The Passionate Marriage. He contends that the health of an intimate relationship is proportional to the participants’ ability to stay focused on their own wants and needs, particularly during times of conflict with each other. Which makes sense, because if we [...]
Some people deal with criticism better than others, but I doubt there’s a person alive who welcomes it, even when it comes in a kind, constructive form from someone who truly has our best interests at heart. (Because let’s face it, we’ve all had the experience of needing a wake-up call once or twice in [...]
OR Revenge: Maybe Not So Sweet In Sarcasm Is the Enemy of Healing, I wrote that “while it is true that sometimes it just takes awhile to let go of angers and slights..that doesn’t mean it’s okay to lash out at other people, or blame them for how I’m feeling; and this goes double for [...]
My partner and I are always seeking to feel “connected” to each other. Sometimes, it’s easy; when we’re both feeling relaxed and happy, or having a good intellectual debate (one of our most enjoyable activities), or just on the same emotional page in general, we fall into a pleasant, happy state with each other. Sometimes, [...]
My dear therapist Richard often used the expression “We’re all just bozos on the bus.” He said this when he felt in danger of being put on a pedestal; of being put in the position of trying to solve my problems for me. He’d say something like, “I can’t fix that for you. I can [...]
One really common bind is people pleasing. But rather than being done to control, as people in positions of power do to their minions, it’s sort of the opposite, often done in reaction to those in control, out of a normal desire to avoid disapproval, rejection, or punishment. It is especially troublesome for people who [...]
The children of dysfunctional FOOs live lives fraught with binds, at least until they begin to heal, and even then binds can be tough to break free of. Binds are so commonplace, so much a part of the everyday backdrop of dysfunctional family life, and so accepted as normal, that we often don’t know they’re [...]
Is teaching people how to treat us manipulative? Let me rephrase that: if we act with forethought and desire as to how we want people to treat us, is that manipulative? If we decide that there are certain behaviors we will and will not tolerate, and express those to people whom we are having or [...]
Rhetorical devices–defined by Aristotle as logos, ethos, and pathos, or logic, morality, and emotion–to read more, click here–are meant to persuade people to change their minds and come around to the speaker’s way of thinking. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. In fact, persuasiveness is a fine quality to have, and everyone has a [...]
When I was a girl, people were always telling me to smile. Adults of all kinds, from neighbors to teachers to total strangers, would say, “Smile! You’re such a pretty girl when you smile!” Because I didn’t have a lot of reason to smile, and because I hated being told what to do, even when [...]