Brave New Kitty

It’s good to be frugal, but not if it’s a way to deprive yourself out of a sense of being undeserving. Here are some more thoughts about how look at money differently. They won’t solve any underlying emotional issues, which also need to be addressed, but sometimes, acting your way into right thinking is a good way to start solving a problem.

When I was a kid, I read a novel called A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, about a poor family living in a lower class New York neighborhood. Once a week, the mother gave each of her children a cup of coffee, which was an expensive indulgence for them. One of the children didn’t even like coffee, but she gave it to him anyway because it made him happy. He would play with it for awhile, stirring it around in the cup, sipping at it, carrying it around the apartment, then eventually pouring it down the sink. Neighbors scolded her for being so wasteful, but she was adamant about continuing the practice. It was something both she and her children looked forward to, and poor as they were, she didn’t want to deprive them of this one small pleasure. To her, what they chose to do with the treat was unimportant; being able to give them something that felt extravagant was what mattered.

The point is that no matter what your income level is, it’s important to your sense of well-being to find ways to indulge yourself occasionally. The human spirit needs that; it can survive, but not thrive, on a diet of constant deprivation. Besides, constant deprivation will usually have an opposite effect: binge spending, accompanied by shame and remorse. This behavior is the exact opposite of kindness toward oneself. “I deserve it!” is absolutely true, but if the credit card bill is going to put you into a tailspin, maybe what you deserve is to find healthier ways to indulge yourself.

One way is to rethink some of your views about frugality. If your home is full of cheap items from thrift stores and garage sales, ask yourself this: Would I rather have a bunch of cheap stuff or a few quality pieces? Sometimes, there are great deals to be had at discount places, especially if you know what to look for. But more often than not, the items are as cheap as they cost, and you end up surrounding yourself with poor quality belongings that look cheap, feel cheap, and don’t make you feel good. What if, instead, you bought one or two high-quality pieces that made you feel good inside every time you looked at, touched, or wore them? Good workmanship isn’t a widely held value in our culture anymore, and that’s sad, because there is an innate beauty in well-made goods that somehow nurtures the spirit. Somehow, recognizing quality in objects is a reflection of recognizing quality in ourselves. For this reason, I strongly believe it’s better to have a few quality pieces than a bunch of junk, even if it means your living room or your closet will be sparse as you save up to buy the better items. Higher-end purchases may feel like an unnecessary indulgence, but it’s an indulgence based on self-care, one that will not only feel good every time you use an item, but also provide lasting value, and perhaps even an investment, that cheaper items cannot.

Another question to ask yourself is How valuable is my time? In an effort to save a few dollars, people will drive all over town, buying toilet paper at one store, milk at another, and cleaning products somewhere else to save a few dollars. Or they’ll spend hours poring through coupons and comparing prices. If your budget is so tight that this is essential to make ends meet, then it’s probably a good use of your time. But if not, then you may want to ask yourself if this is really something you want to be doing. Is the time it takes to be a savvy shopper detracting more from your life than it’s adding? Are there other things you’d rather be doing that you could afford to be doing? Are there other ways you could save the same amounts of money that would be more satisfying? For example, could you buy fewer packaged foods and enjoy dinner-making time? Or take the money out of your budget elsewhere–turn the thermostat down a couple of degrees, or walk to the store instead of drive, or simply forego certain items if their absence won’t affect your quality of life? Cable TV, for example, or having your nails done, or stopping for a mocha caramel latte on your way to work. There are dozens of ways to cut out pointless spending–and save you far more money than coupons as well–without giving up your valuable time.

My father wasn’t a very nurturing guy, but he did teach me a few good things, and one of them was to pay yourself first. No matter how poor you are, or how hard it is to make ends meet, you should always set aside some part of your paycheck for savings. Having money in the bank gives you options. It’s power, freedom and security. Regardless of the fact that few people save anymore, it’s one of the wisest, most loving things you can do for yourself financially. I realize it’s a lot to ask, but learning to save is absolutely essential to your sense of financial well-being. So unless you’ll starve or be homeless by doing it, getting into the habit of saving is a powerful way to create a healthier relationship with your money.

Hand in hand with savings goes using credit cards wisely. Have you ever calculated how much you really pay for something if you carry a monthly credit card balance? It’s horrifying, no matter how great the interest rate. So don’t use credit cards for frivolous purchases. Don’t buy groceries with them, and don’t buy things you can’t afford otherwise. Save them for traveling and emergencies. And if you do use them, do so with the intention of paying the balance in full every month whenever possible. There is no worse feeling than being over your head in debt, especially when you’ve been seduced by the easy allure of the plastic.

Finally, find some ways to indulge yourself that don’t involve spending a lot of money. It might sound corny, but buy yourself some flowers, or an occasional dessert, or take a bubble bath, or spend some time alone if that is a guilty luxury for you. There are so many ways to treat yourself lovingly it’s impossible to list them all. Besides, it’s a very personal choice, one that you get to make for yourself. The idea is to do things that feel good and won’t make you remorseful down the road. Like the mother in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, you can find small but significant ways to add a sense of richness and luxury to your life without going into debt if you give it a just a little bit of thought.

All of these ideas should help you rethink how you look at money. But how do you go about addressing the underlying emotional issues that may be involved? It’s a complex issue, but a good start might be to see self-indulgence as a normal and necessary part of life, for which there is no reason to feel guilt. Self-indulgence has become a skewed concept in our culture, perhaps because our society identifies self-worth almost exclusively with achievement. Advertising slogans convey the message that self-indulgence is a naughty pleasure that must involve impulsive spending on irrational desires. This is completely untrue, and such thinking can get you into a lot of trouble. If instead you accept the occasional indulgence as a perfectly healthy act of self-love, it’s far more likely to remain inside the bounds of rational choice, one that feels good and nurtures the spirit. Because if it doesn’t do these things, it isn’t really self-indulgence, is it? Rather, it’s yet another ineffective way of trying to get your needs met that doesn’t feel good–or indulgent–at all!

If done in the right way–with self-awareness and without guilt–self-indulgence is necessary and healthy, and an act of self-love. It’s up to you to determine whether or not your frugality fits this description, and if not, what to do about it.