Brave New Kitty

I was in a 12 Step meeting once where someone with long-term sobriety described getting sober like drawing a line from A to B where there is no way to draw a line from A to B; that, after years of being unable to imagine life without mood-altering chemicals, he now lived life completely free of the desire for such chemicals, and he had no real understanding of how that change occurred. I liked this, so it always stuck with me; it fit my experience of personal transformation almost exactly. How a person can go from daily obsession to utter freedom is a great mystery of the human psyche.

Getting to the other side of something that once seemed insurmountable is probably the greatest adventure life has to offer. Such a journey is truly a leap of faith, the emotional equivalent of jumping off a cliff blindfolded into a great unknown purely by your own choosing. And although such a choice is often made under duress, after other options have exhausted themselves, seeing the journey through to the end generally requires great fortitude. It also results in being permanently changed for the better because there is so much power in discovering yourself capable of doing what you thought was impossible.

This happened for me with sobriety, and also with my significant other relationship, which is the thing people are usually the most curious about. I went from an unbroken pattern of making bad choices to finding my perfect fit. Where once I was terrified of intimacy, I became unwilling to have a relationship without it. How did I do that? What changed?

I wish I could say with certainty what caused the shift, but I can’t. While I can’t discount the role of luck, I know there was more to it. I was preparing myself all along the way, particularly after I got sober and began the self-discovery adventure in earnest. So I have no hard and fast answers (if I did, I’d be rich), but I’ve put together a list of things which I believe contributed, and which I think would be the most helpful for someone struggling with change.

Listen to the advice of people you respect. In 12 Step groups, people are encouraged to get a sponsor and put themselves under the guidance of this person. In Buddhist monasteries, young monks are expected to submit completely to their teacher’s instruction. The teacher/student, guru/follower, master/apprentice relationship is a powerful method of learning from someone who has figured out the things you’re trying to figure out. If you find someone who has wisdom you want, pay attention to what they say. They don’t have to be perfect, but if they know about something you want to know more about, soak up as much of their knowledge as you can and incorporate it to the best of your ability.

Educate yourself. In this age of information, there is no excuse to be ignorant about anything. If you can’t afford to buy books, you can go to the library or find information on the Internet. Not all information is helpful, but any is better than none. Also, getting into the habit of self-education changes you. Knowledge is power, and learning to arm yourself with knowledge is personal power at its finest. Education, including the self-taught variety, opens doors like nothing else can, providing you with principles of learning that you can apply to anything and everything in your life.

Hit a bottom. It is an unfortunate design flaw in human nature that often, we need to be bloodied and bludgeoned into doing what’s best for ourselves. This is what the 12 Steppers call “hitting bottom,” and it’s true that addiction is one of the hardest things to quit and often only attempted after all other avenues of change have been exhausted. Once the bottom is hit, though, a person often looks back on it as the best thing that could have happened because it was the beginning of real change. I don’t wish a bottom on anybody, as they are painful and unpleasant and truly awful to go through. And yet, if hitting bottom–that is, having serious consequences that force you to start making better decisions for yourself–is what it will take for you to change, then perhaps it is the best thing that could happen; it certainly was for me. Sometimes, it’s the only way we become truly ready.

Put yourself in the way of what you want. Spend time in places and around people where you’re more likely to find the thing you’re looking for. For example, if you want to stay sober, spend time with sober people. If you want to find a healthy relationship, stay single so you’re available for it to happen. Go to places where there are people doing things you’re interested in. Do things you like, and you’ll meet people with common interests. Open yourself to the thing you want in as many ways as possible. Even if you don’t get it right away (you probably won’t), you’ll still be learning, growing, and moving toward what you want. You’re sowing seeds of future harvest, and that can only be a positive.

Develop a support system. Change is hard, but without people on your side cheering you on, change is almost impossible. I can’t emphasize how important it is to have the support of people who want you to succeed. Sadly, if you grew up in an unsupportive family, you may not even know what this kind of support feels like, so the first order of business may be to educate yourself about it. If you have one friend you trust, ask her for help. Go to a therapist. Join a self-help group; there are thousands out there, they’re free, and they’re full of people struggling with the same issues you are. Sometimes you need to shop around to find a fit, but if you persevere, you will. There are millions of people who want you to succeed. If you find just a few of them, it will change your life.

Be ready to go against what’s comfortable and familiar. When what you know and are accustomed to doesn’t make you happy, you have to mentally prepare yourself to defy it. You have to accept that you will be uncomfortable, you will be anxious, you will feel awkward, and you will be scared. That’s just how learning new things is, so the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you can get down to the business of real change. If you spend your life in a comfort zone, your world stays small; if you want adventures, particularly those of the emotional variety, you have to accept that fear and anxiety are part of having them. Find whatever ways you can to soothe your anxiety–a support group, a therapist, taping positive affirmations to your mirror, whatever works!–or you won’t have the fortitude to withstand the buffeting you’ll take. Both the fear of the new and the pull of the old will conspire to keep you quagmired, and if you aren’t armed and ready for both, you won’t succeed.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes! All making mistakes means is that you’re out there trying–and sometimes mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. So give up trying to figure everything out and abandon yourself to the adventure.

Sometimes, you have to fly blind, trust what people tell you, and be wise enough to know you don’t know–and can’t know–until you’ve gotten to the other side. When that happens, what seemed insurmountable becomes the simplest thing in the world, and you wonder why you ever fretted about it so.