Brave New Kitty

And while we’re on the topic of staying present…let’s talk about the “drama queen” phenomenon. We all know people whose lives seem to be in constant chaos, who jump from one crisis to the next, who never seem to have any peace of mind. They fret and complain about everything wrong in their lives, but when offered viable alternatives to the chaos (“break up with the insensitive boyfriend,” “don’t spend as much time with your family,” “stay out of your neighbor’s business,” etc.) their eyes cloud over and they change the subject, and the next time you see them you hear new versions of the same old problems, ad infinitum. Certainly this can be tedious, but if you look below the surface, you can see how such behavior is an effective self-soothing strategy. People do this as a deliberate, albeit unconscious, way to avoid being present with themselves. Maybe not surprisingly, I knew a lot of people like this in 12 Step groups. I’m not picking on sober people, having been one of them; maybe because of the intimate nature of meetings, it was just more noticeable. In any case, there were a lot of people who were able to hang onto sobriety by their fingernails while everything else in their lives continued to fall apart. It took me a long time to figure out why they liked things that way.

Action junkies are a similar phenomenon. You know, people who like to live from one adrenaline rush to the next. They’re always looking for excitement in any form that keeps them conveniently distracted from their inner world. This is not to say that all adventurous people are avoiding being present with themselves. But if a person is focused on activity to the point that they’re restless and agitated without it, then there’s a good chance this is what’s going on.

What do I mean by “being present with yourself,” and why do people avoid it? Being present with yourself means that you’re able to quiet down, be with yourself, listen to your inner voices. That you can spend silent time alone, contemplating, writing, meditating, moodling, and be content. Perhaps most importantly, that when you do this, you can deal with what comes up, no matter what, and not run for the hills.

Why do people run for the hills? Because the inner world is not always pretty. Sometimes it’s rather ugly, sometimes unnerving, sometimes downright terrifying. If you don’t like what you see or don’t know how to deal with what you see, one solution is to avoid looking. This is particularly true for people with traumatic pasts, and why I think so many sober people surround themselves with chaos–the chaos feels better than the fear, anger, and anxiety they can no longer douse with chemicals. Seen in this light, who can blame them?

Distracting yourself from yourself is a difficult thing to un-learn. If you start repressing feelings as a child because they’re too overwhelming to deal with (which is a normal reaction in many circumstances), such repression becomes second nature by the time you’re an adult–part of the backdrop, knee-jerk, normal way of dealing with life–hard to do it differently when you can’t even identify what “it” is!

We all do this to some extent–it is not possible to be human and not have some blind spots. Total self-awareness is an unttainable goal, a continuously moving target, and this is as it should be if we are growing and changing and engaged with life. But there is a vast difference between making an effort to know yourself to the best of your ability and avoiding that process. I am grateful to say that I chose the former, and as scary and painful as it has sometimes been, I haven’t regretted it for a moment, not even when I was going through the worst of it, and not even when I have to think about unpleasant things I’d rather avoid.

12 Step statistics say that less than 10 percent of people who seek sobriety manage to keep it for more than a year. I believe this is because once those deep, repressed feelings start coming up, few people have the resources to stay present with them. I know from personal experience that it can be excruciating. For me, it felt like death–like I would literally die if I allowed myself to stay present with those feelings. Holding my ground was, I believe, one of the bravest things I ever did. I was very, very fortunate to have a good support system by this time, a therapist I trusted (not everybody needs this, but I did), and a natural ability to comfort myself (although I have no idea where that came from). Without such support, people choose avoidance, and again, I can’t blame them in the least.

But what a sad choice! Staying present with scary feelings is the very essence of authenticity. The greatest mythology of the world is metaphor for this “dark night of the soul” experience. The slain dragons and holy grails and tests of mettle–all are depictions of the inner journey, the greatest, scariest, bravest, most exhilarating adventure any of us can ever undertake. Jumping out of a plane literally offers a few minutes of adrenaline thumping excitement, but jumping out of a plane figuratively offers a lifetime of adventure and potential.

Being a drama queen or an action junkie keeps you from being present with yourself and therefore, from your own authenticity. I can think of nothing sadder, because being present with yourself is really all there is. If you can do that, everything else will more or less fall into place, while if you can’t do that, nothing will ever fall into place. You’ll be forever in that place of crisis or distraction, wondering why you’re always guessing at what normal is and why you feel like an observer in your own life.