Brave New Kitty

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone that felt completely one-sided? Like the other person wasn’t really listening but just waiting to talk, and no matter what you said it was either ignored, misinterpreted, or used as a jumping off point to talk about something else? We’ve all had this experience. Such conversations are exhausting and frustrating, and I usually walk away from them feeling all empty inside. Sometimes it’s even me doing it to another person, particularly my partner, and particularly when my feelings are hurt, which–sigh–is not a pretty thing to realize about myself.

Listening, in the sense of really paying attention and making an effort to understand what a person is saying, is an important skill which almost all of us can improve upon. But it’s more than that. The ability to listen well is a benchmark of emotional maturity. People who listen well are able to do so because they aren’t trying to get their emotional needs met from the conversation, which frees them up to be available to the person on the other end.

Understanding the relationship between good listening and emotional maturity is helpful in evaluating people, situations, and our own state of mind. I see this as a sort of four-way matrix with which you can gauge

• a person’s general level of emotional maturity
• a person’s present state of mind
• your own general level of emotional maturity
• your own present state of mind.

If, however, a person who is usually present and available seems distracted or unable to give you the attention you expect, this indicates an anxious state. She has something on her mind that makes her unable to be present the way she normally is. If you understand this, then you don’t have to take it personally and can instead make a good decision about what to do.

You can also apply the “listening test” to yourself, to gauge your own level of maturity and state of mind. If you know you aren’t a terribly good listener, if you are uncomfortable being present with people, ask yourself why. Are you overly concerned with what people are thinking about you? Overly concerned about getting approval? Being a poor listener can be a difficult thing to admit about yourself, but if it’s the case, doing so can open up a new world.

Most of us, though, are sometimes good listeners and sometimes not. When we are able to listen, it’s because we’re in a calm state of mind, not feeling needy, angry, anxious, or sad. So if you find yourself in a situation where a friend wants to talk and you’re just not able to listen very well, take a step back and figure out what’s going on. Are you feeling threatened? Defensive? Exhausted? Victimized? Is there something else going on that’s got you preoccupied? Whatever it is, acknowledge it and take it from there. Otherwise the person trying to talk to you will walk away feeling empty inside, or at the very least, confused. It’s always best to be honest, even if you feel like you’re letting someone down. Such honesty always paves the way for more intimacy.

Most of this is common sense and nothing terribly new or profound. Still, for those of us who grew up in families where we rarely felt heard and did not learn how to listen very well, it can be helpful to take a square look at the issue. Perhaps the biggest reason is that when we grow up in such families, we tend to spend too much time and energy trying to get people who can’t or won’t hear us to hear us, and that time and energy would be better spent on finding people who actually can. If we’re able to see listening as a gauge of emotional maturity and teach ourselves what good listening feels like, we are less likely to try to get needs met by people who aren’t there yet.