Brave New Kitty

Arguing is part of life. Certainly, it’s part of an intimate relationship. If there aren’t disagreements and compromising of preferences and occasionally getting on each other’s nerves, well, you have to question how intimate the relationship actually is. Sometimes, there are out and out fights. Tempers lost. Yelling and screaming. Swearing. Accusations. Maybe even name-calling.

When people feel anxious, they tend to lose perspective. This can also be true when we feel hurt (hurt being a form of anxiety), especially at the hands of someone we love. And because we feel hurt, we can say and do things we don’t mean. Such behavior can be harmful to a relationship, so if we’re mature enough to hold our tongues and tempers when our blood is running hot, we can save ourselves a lot of heartache.

This is something we need to learn and practice if we want to have successful intimate relationships. There’s nothing terribly interesting about that. But there is one tactic people use that they’re often less aware of which is kind of interesting. It isn’t as detrimental as yelling and name-calling, but it is extremely un-useful in trying to get to the root of a disagreement as fairly and as honestly as possible, and it’s something we’re all guilty of from time to time.

I call it globalizing.

When we do it internally, it affects how realistic our view of events is. If things aren’t going well, we might think, for example, I’ll never get anything right! Or something along those lines, the point being that we tend to see everything in a negative light. Globalizing dark thoughts is as unkind as it is unrealistic. It’s important to ferret out these tendencies so we can stop being mean to ourselves in this way.

When we globalize externally, however, it’s usually for different reasons. When we bring another person (or people) into our circle of negativity, it isn’t likely to be because we feel hopeless about the relationship or situation. Usually, it’s because we want to prove a point or make someone feel bad, and will stoop to any means to do so.

Examples of globalizing include statements like “You never tell me you love me anymore!” and “You always go out with your friends and leave me sitting here alone!” as well as the question forms that go along with these (e.g., “Why don’t you ever tell me you love me anymore?”). When we say these things, we might actually mean them in the moment because we’re upset, but if we make the slightest effort to analyze what we’re saying, it’s easy to see that we’re speaking hyperbolically, that what we’re saying isn’t rational, and that it isn’t supposed to be–it’s meant as a self-justification, a way to win an argument, a way to prove our rightness and the other person’s wrongness. Period. There is nothing constructive about statements like these, and nothing helpful, either.

When you’re having a disagreement with someone, it’s a good idea to step back from it as quickly as possible and look at it as objectively as possible. You have to decide what your goal for the argument is, then proceed accordingly. If your goal is to prove yourself right or to make the other person relent even if you know he’s right, then feel free to use all means at your disposal, globalizing included. But if your goal is increased understanding or increased intimacy (see Being Angry With, Not At, Someone), or at the very least a resolution that both of you feel okay about, then you have to make an effort to fight fairly. That is, stick to the issue at hand and say what’s on your mind as calmly, rationally, and non-blamingly as possible. If your goal is resolution, globalizing has no place in the argument.

If in examining your communication patterns you discover that you are sometimes guilty of globalizing, don’t feel too badly about it. Globalizing is a cheap, easy tactic that we usually learn at a young age, either by watching our parents use it on each other or by learning serendipitously that it works on our mothers. (For example, we ask her “Why are you so mean all the time?” and she immediately stops being mean. She just rang our Pavlovian bell.) Recognizing it is the first step to doing something about it!

What do you do about it? Well, pay attention to your communication patterns, and try to learn where you fall into this tactic. And if you catch yourself doing it with someone, stop and apologize immediately. Acknowledge tht it’s a dirty way to fight and accomplishes only a greater block to open, honest communication, which is not what you want.

Conversely, if you find yourself on the receiving end of globalizing, nip it in the bud. Never respond to the accusation as if it has validity (e.g., “I do not!!”). Instead, call the person on the statement: “You know it’s not true that I always do that, and it isn’t helpful for you to say it.” or “Do you really believe that I always do that? And if not, do you think saying such a thing is going to help us resolve this argument?” If the person is sincere in wanting to resolve the disagreement, he’ll acknowledge the hyperbole. If not, is there any point in continuing? Either way, you’ve gotten your argument on track to resolution instead of staying mired in pointless accusations and rebuttals that go nowhere.

Arguing is certainly part of life. And everyone is guilty, on occasion, of globalizing, as well as other unfair tactics. When we fall into them, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up, but we should apologize as soon as we realize what we’ve done. And we should always strive to open, rather than close, the lines of communication with the people we love. When feelings are high and tempers are hot, this can be hard to do. But learning to watch our patterns and not react to those of others is a heckuva good start.