Brave New Kitty

The personal development toolbox is a metaphor I use to mean “the skills we can draw on to deal with life.” The fewer tools we have, the more limited our choices and the lower our level of development. The more tools we have, the more choices we have and the higher our level of development.

For example, how do you react when a stranger is rude to you? Are you rude in return? Do you ignore him? Do you frown at him and move on? Do you apologize for whatever you did that annoyed him, smile, and be on your way? Most of us have an instinctive urge to be rude in return, but if that is in fact our response, then our toolbox doesn’t contain very sophisticated tools. The instinctive level of response is the least sophisticated, available to everyone who has instincts, which is to say, it’s available to everyone. The higher levels of response take some work.

The personal development toolbox became an important idea for me when I was newly sober all those years ago. I probably heard it first from my sponsor. It became an important concept when I realized how few good skills I really had. I was smart, but I was largely unequipped for handling life successfully. I’d been unable to finish college, I had a second shift factory job, and I’d been through half a dozen dismal relationships. My primary—perhaps only—tool for dealing with stress was intoxication.

Since stress is an omnipresent factor of life, I had to learn new skills fast if I wanted to stay sober. I knew this intuitively (in fact, I’ve wondered if this awareness is the difference between people who stay sober and people who don’t), and actively set about to learn new skills. One of the first skills I learned was asking for help, because it was absolutely essential for staying sober. I learned to get involved, and in so doing I learned how to make friends and get along with people in ways that didn’t revolve around drugs, alcohol, and sex. Then, I had to learn how to deal with my anger, my fear, my shame, my low self-esteem, and my anxiety. Since this is such a tall order, mostly, I had to learn to accept myself as I was in any given moment, while working continuously to improve the areas I wasn’t satisfied with. The tool of self-acceptance allowed me to keep moving forward when fear and shame would otherwise have held me back.

I was fortunate in having had good friends, good therapists, and good spiritual guides. I also worked hard. In a few years, my toolbox went from one very ineffective tool—getting loaded—to several very effective tools, from which I could choose to accomplish whatever the task at hand was. I no longer had to react instinctively to a stressful situation. I could now pause (one of the most powerful tools of all is the pause!), take a breath, and think about how I wanted to react. What would be most effective? Do I need to set a boundary? Do I need to be compassionate? Should I try harder, or start over with a new approach? Most importantly, if I choose the wrong tool and make a mistake, I don’t have to feel awful about it. I can use the tool of forgiveness, give myself a mental hug, and try again. Forgiving yourself is the most important personal development tool you can have. Without it, you’ll be afraid to take the risks necessary for growth and change. Most of us need to hear this over and over until it starts to sink in.

Addiction doesn’t automatically mean that you’re lacking the same skills as I was; also, you could lack similar skills without being an addict. The process I describe here is just an example taken from my own life. You may need to develop different skills than I’ve mentioned here; you may approach your growth from a completely different angle, with a completely different mindset. That’s fine! As long as you’re making an effort that you feel good about.

That said, I strongly believe that self-acceptance and forgiveness are two very sophisticated skills, absolutely essential for growth, and lacking, at least somewhat, in almost all of us. Because these ideas are so important, I’m going to discuss each in more detail in future articles. For now, just be aware how very crucial they are. If you can add them, in any measure, to your toolbox, you will have made a big leap forward.

I have friends who are terrified that they aren’t good parents. They had unhappy childhoods, and they desperately don’t want to repeat that cycle with their own kids. I met most of them (most, but not all, women) in a therapy or recovery setting, so they are people who have some issues, but are actively working on them. Even so, I don’t think such fears are a rare exception (although the expression of them may be). I think most people harbor doubts about their parenting abilities. Parenting is the most important job you can take on; it would only be human to have concerns.

The truth is, most people have children before they’re able to provide properly for them, not just materially, but (even more importantly) emotionally. I am not talking about teen pregnancy, either; I’m talking about pretty much everyone. The reason is that nothing can really prepare you for parenthood. Even the most skilled, best-prepared people must still learn the overwhelming majority of parenting skills in on-the-job training. If there were a test available to determine readiness for parenting, most of us would fail miserably.

Having a child has a way of throwing people—conscientious people, anyway—into a headlong collision with their own inadequacies. The strain of providing, worrying, teaching, and disciplining; of arguing, cajoling, and explaining; of setting boundaries and trying vainly to avoid power struggles; of sacrifice, exhaustion, and more exhaustion, can bring doubt to the most confident person. Getting into a power struggle with a five year old can be demoralizing. So can losing our temper, or taking out unrelated frustrations on our children. We may set our minds firmly to never let it happen again, but soon find ourselves in the exact situation, behaving in exactly the same embarrassing way: shouting at the child, bargaining with her, threatening her, begging her. If it happens in public, it’s mortifying. You want to crawl in a hole and die. Those books you read, those people who gave advice, all the therapy you’ve had; nothing prepared you for this. You feel like the worst person on the planet. You’re certain that you’re scarring your kids for life, and you don’t know what to do about it.

But just because you do some things wrong doesn’t mean your kids are going to be scarred for life. Making mistakes is part of raising children. The on-the-job-training nature of it makes mistakes inevitable. So, you must completely abandon the belief that good parents don’t make mistakes. Good parents do make mistakes. A lot of them. So do bad parents. The crucial difference between good and bad parenting is not the absence of mistakes. It is how the parent handles the mistakes.

It’s quite simple. So simple, in fact, that you may have doubts about its validity. But I assure you, it’s valid. Not only is it valid, it’s your get-out-of-jail-free card, and it can—and should— be used over and over again, as many times as necessary, as many times as you screw up. What is it? The apology.

A good parent acknowledges her shortcomings with her child. She is liberal and effusive with her apologies. She is specific and clear so the child isn’t confused as to what the issue is, asking her child if he understands and giving him an opportunity to ask questions and feel heard. She asks for forgiveness, and allows the child his process in giving it. She strives to create an atmosphere in which the child feels safe to express himself. She doesn’t always succeed, but the effort does not go unnoticed by her child.

A bad parent, to the contrary, will not acknowledge shortcomings and will not apologize to her child. She believes this shows weakness, or that apologizing to a child is not necessary, except perhaps in very extreme cases. When a parent doesn’t apologize to her child and attempt to make things right, the child is stuck with the confusing and scary emotions left over from the altercation. The child typically doesn’t feel safe to talk about his feelings in such an environment. Thus, he has no good outlet and either holds the feelings in, which poisons his poor little soul, or takes them out on other children, pets, or toys, spilling the poison out into the world. All when a simple “I’m sorry, honey,” would have abated the poison from ever forming at all. There are very few things this side of the horrendous (i.e., physical, verbal or sexual abuse) that can’t be fixed by an earnest apology.

Not owning mistakes with your children can have profound implications. An entire childhood void of parental apologies can result in adults riddled with self-esteem issues and lacking clarity on what constitutes a healthy relationship. It may take them years to overcome these obstacles, if they ever do; many don’t. The conscious effort required is more than many want to take on. Sadly, they’re likely to repeat the cycle with their own children, being shut off from the part of themselves that could have done it differently. Thus, what seems like a small and simple thing can make a tremendous difference not only in the life of a child, but also in all the lives touched by that child.

Yet another aspect of this manifests itself in the dynamic between the adult child and his unapologetic parent. Such children often try to get the tenderness due them from their parents long into adulthood. They hope and struggle to please the parent with the underlying motivation (whether aware of it or not) of getting what they didn’t get as a child. It’s a sad, pointless effort. Whenever feelings between a parent and a child are strained, the effort to improve the relationship must come from the parent. Just as it must when the child is small. Because the parent is the source and reason for the problems, the parent must be the one to acknowledge and change her behavior. No amount of effort from the child, adult or otherwise, can improve the relationship. However, if the parent does realize her mistakes and sincerely wish for a better relationship with her child, change can occur, no matter how much time has passed. But again, it must originate with the parent.

I realize this is somewhat oversimplified; there’s more to open, healthy communication than apologizing. However, it’s a fairly accurate measure of a person’s level of emotional development. People who tend not to apologize also tend to be more shut down emotionally and therefore are less likely to be attuned to their children’s needs. Conversely, if parents make insincere, maudlin apologies that have more to do with their own guilt and self-pity than the child’s well being, that does the child little good, either. It’s definitely a complex issue. And yet, I believe the ability to earnestly own one’s mistakes and apologize for wrong done is a rather rare and remarkable trait, and absolutely essential for all healthy relationships. Being able to say “I’m sorry” and mean it may not be the be-all, end-all indicator of good parenting, but it is certainly a reliable gauge.

Although there are many, many aspects to unsatisfying relationships, the last one I’m going to discuss in this series in the concept of an unequal partnership. This is such a common dynamic that it I believe it gets overlooked far too often as a source of problems in a relationship. Many people don’t know what an equal partnership is because they’ve never had one and they’ve never thought very much about what it might look like. But if you are feeling resentful, unheard, or otherwise angry in your relationship and feel powerless to do anything about it, or maybe you’re just sad that your partner isn’t a more emotional person, you may be on the submissive end of an unequal partnership. On the other hand, if you are controlling, demanding, or unwilling to be emotionally vulnerable with your partner, you are probably on the dominant end of an unequal partnership. Either way, both partners miss out on the best aspect of a relationship: true intimacy, which is not possible in such a dynamic.

Inequality happens when one partner has consistently more control of the relationship than the other one, resulting in an uneven balance of power. Unequal partnerships aren’t as simple as abusive relationships (although abusive relationships are certainly a form of unequal partnership). Usually, it’s much more subtle than that. Just because one partner is more outgoing or assertive than the other also doesn’t in itself indicate inequality. In a healthy relationship, roles are worked around personalities so each person does what they’re best at. Furthermore, just because one partner makes most of the decisions about certain things also does not mean inequality exists in the relationship; sharing responsibilities often means that one partner makes decisions in one area, while the other partner makes decisions in another. Because it’s been worked out beforehand, there are no inequalities in such an agreement.

Thus, in most healthy relationships, there can be a skewed balance of power in many different areas that does not indicate unhealthy inequality. What, then, does indicate such inequality? When the balance of emotional power is uneven. Emotions are the one thing that must be shared equally, honestly, and respectfully for a relationship to be healthy. By sharing emotions, I don’t mean that partners must bare all and have no boundaries from each other; that’s not at all healthy. I mean that one person should not be more committed to the relationship, more honest, or more vulnerable than the other one. In such a dynamic, both partners are destined to be unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. The dominant partner may think he’s happy because he has the upper hand, but such control costs dearly in the things that really matter between two people: intimacy and a real sense of connection with each other.

The less committed, less honest, less vulnerable partner always has the control, because he’s the one who decides how much of himself he’s willing to give, and thus the level of intimacy. Usually, it’s just enough to get what he wants from his partner, whatever that may be: sex, dinner, forgiveness, agreement, etc. He uses his emotional disclosure as a tool to manipulate his partner and move events in the direction he wants them to go. He thinks he’s getting what he wants, but he has completely missed the point of having a relationship. He may be safe and comfortable, but happy he is not.

Meanwhile, the submissive partner is waiting and plotting, ever hopeful of getting her emotional needs satisfied. She may alternate between periods of trying to please her man, thinking this will bring him closer, and periods of anger, because nothing she does ever works. The anger can take many different forms: sudden outbursts, stony silences, and crying fits all fill the bill. She may feign or exaggerate illness to get attention from him. She may do passive-aggressive things like burn his dinner, or “forget” to pick up his drycleaning when she knows he needs a certain suit the next day. As awful as this sounds, passive-aggressive hostility is one of the few tools available to the submissive partner. Other than learning how to get her needs met elsewhere, of course.

Such a relationship is not much more than two combatants locked in a constant power struggle. Because control is unequally distributed in this system, it’s extremely important to both parties. The dominant partner is focused on maintaining control, while the submissive partner is focused on gaining it. Control is the big pink elephant in the middle of the room that neither of them talk about, yet all their interactions revolve around.

People can stay in such relationships for a long, long time, and never figure out what the problem is. Generally, when the submissive one is fortunate enough to have an awareness about it, she can’t leave the relationship quickly enough. Often her dominant partner will make her life hell trying to restore the old balance of power. It may not have made him happy, but he feels safe in it; not having to be emotionally vulnerable is a very high priority for such a person.

Both people in an unequal partnership are motivated by fear. The dominant partner is terrified of letting people get close to him. The submissive partner is also afraid of intimacy even though it appears that she wants it badly; why else would she pick someone who can’t give it to her? When fear is a prime motivation, not much hope exists of having more than a superficial connection. If such a relationship is to work, both people must be willing to face and deal with their fears. Often, these fears are deep-seated and complicated, requiring focus and dedication to work through. But work through them you must, if you want any hope of making a relationship work; if not this one, then your next one. For if you don’t work through your history, you are doomed to repeat it.

The reason I stress the both here is that, in unequal partnerships, the submissive partner tends to get blamed for everything wrong in the relationship. The submissive partner is, if you will, the relationship scapegoat. Interestingly, both people tend to believe this; both people tend to believe that the less dominant partner is the “sick” one, the cause of all the problems, the one who needs to change. I suppose taking blame is part of the submissive mindset. But whatever the cause of the belief, it’s wrong, and both partners must come to understand and own their parts if they are to have any chance at intimacy.

Finally, please note that I use genders arbitrarily here. While dominance and submission tend to fall along male/female lines, it’s not always so. Women are just as capable of being emotionally distant as men, and men are just as capable of being submissive as women.

An unequal balance of power dictates this dominant/submissive dynamic not only in personal relationships, but in all human interactions. If you pay attention, you will begin to notice hierarchies everywhere you look. Some are normal and healthy, such as in a business setting, and some are not so healthy. How do you interact with your friends, your family, and with strangers? Do others see you as controlling, or do you have friends you consider controlling? Often, this is just the way of human nature, and you must let people follow their own path. But if someone is important to you and you think there is an uneven balance of power in the relationship, consider doing something about it. Such an effort would be a movement toward a deeper level of honesty, of respect, and therefore, of love.

In the last essay, I talked about not knowing what we really want, largely because we entered into relationships without a clear understanding of how difficult it is to build and maintain a real connection. Because we don’t understand what’s involved, we either choose partners poorly, or we make a good choice, but don’t know how to develop the connection we want. I focused on the latter in the previous essay. In this one, I’m going to focus on the former: choosing bad partners, or, what I like to call choosing poor raw material.

I like the concept of raw material because it allows for a building analogy, and being in a serious relationship is about building something (a future, a life, a family, a dynasty). If you start with poor raw materials, you can’t build anything of quality. No matter how you approach it, no matter how hard you try, no matter how many different methods you employ, you are never going to have a satisfactory end result. The quality must be in the raw materials in order to be in the final product. Likewise, a partner must have sufficient qualities for you to have a solid connection.

You might think it callous to put people in “good raw material” and “bad raw material” categories. However, this classification system is for your own process only. The purpose is not to judge, but to determine who would work for you and who wouldn’t. Just because someone is bad raw material for you doesn’t mean he isn’t good for somebody else (although the qualities that make someone good raw material are pretty fundamental: honesty, sincerity, vulnerability, etc.).

The idea of “raw material” came to me when a friend of mine, after ten long years of working on a difficult marriage, decided to get a divorce. Just like that. One day they were going out for their anniversary, and the next, boom. Done with Dave. She had struggled with this man, and her own feelings, for a very long time. She put everything she had into making it work, and I think Dave did, too. They both entered separate therapy and marriage counseling, and they stuck with it for several years. They worked on their own issues separately, and they worked on their marriage together. In the midst of all this, she had an epiphany: she realized, in a brilliant moment of clarity, that it was never going to work. And boom; done with Dave. Just like that.

She realized that they were just too far apart to ever come together, and she wasn’t going to put one more ounce of energy into beating the dead horse of their marriage. I was thrilled when she made this decision. You see, Dave was just not good raw material for a long-term relationship. It wouldn’t seem that way to you if you met him, at least not right away. He’s tall and dark, intelligent and handsome, and even capable of charm at times. He’s friendly and sensitive and, unlike many men, willing and eager to talk about his feelings. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t he? But Dave was, in fact, so eager to talk about his feelings, he wasn’t much of a listener. He thought he was the only one in the marriage who had feelings that mattered. He was possibly the most narcissistic person I have ever met. He was also a fundamentally dishonest person, the type who will lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. He would lie about ridiculously trivial things, lies he knew he would get caught in, lies that made no sense and served no purpose other than deliberate, but extremely indirect, emotional distancing from his wife. He also had a habit of similar behavior at work, and so, although he was a college graduate and was able to land good jobs, he had a pattern of getting fired from them. She kept thinking he would change, as he seemed to possess the potential to do so, but he never did. In the case of Dave and my friend, divorce was the best possible outcome. She freed herself from the burden of a dishonest, immature, incredibly self-centered man who, after years of therapy, showed no real signs of improvement.

Now, there are two lessons to be learned from this. The first one is, I hope, obvious: that you can work as hard as you possibly can on a relationship, but if the partner you’ve chosen is a Dave, nothing you do will matter; you will never have the connection you want. Maybe you’ve chosen someone who has a lot of great qualities, but has a fatal flaw, such as dishonesty, or unfaithfulness, but you think you can change him if only you hang in there long enough. (This is often called “falling in love with potential,” and it is distinctly different than choosing someone who isn’t perfect but has no fatal flaws). Maybe it’s worse; maybe he’s verbally or even physically abusive, but you see him as “hurting” and “needy” so you keep hoping it’ll be different (after all, he’s so terribly apologetic after every episode) if you can just prove how much you love him. The truth is, all of these examples are just bad raw material. They are people not capable of intimate connection and they never will be, period. At least, not on your timetable. If they do decide to change, that’s great, but please, please don’t waste your life waiting for it to happen. That you have any control over that process for another person is a complete and utter illusion. The only such process you have any control over is your own.

Which brings us to the second, and more important lesson: if you choose poor raw material, then you are probably poor raw material yourself. If you’ve chosen someone who isn’t capable of intimacy, or have a pattern of having chosen several partners incapable of intimacy, then you need to take a hard look at yourself. Are you picking partners for superficial reasons such as looks or sexual attraction? Are you falling in love with potential because, deep down, you’d rather have a project than a relationship, thereby avoiding intimacy yourself, even though you tell yourself you want it? Are you recreating your unresolved relationship with your father or mother over and over, dooming yourself to relationship failure? Are you too needy or self-absorbed to bring what it takes to the relationship table? Or maybe just don’t understand the true nature of intimacy because you haven’t thought that hard about it? It’s likely you have at least one of these issues, and probably some combination of them. The upshot is that, if you want a real connection and true intimacy with another human being, you must first understand what that requires, and develop yourself to the point of being able to recognize it, give it, and receive it.

A potential mate doesn’t have to be perfect, but he does have to share your world view (that is, your values) to a large degree, be mature enough to stick out tough situations, and be kind and respectful. (And yes, sexual attraction must be there as well, but, over the long haul, it isn’t nearly as important as the other qualities.) Do you know how to discern these traits in people? If you’re not sure, work on it until you figure it out. It’s one of the most important tasks you’ll ever undertake.

The concept of good relationship raw material, both being it and recognizing it, is critical to a successful long-term relationship. Learn to recognize the difference between true potential and no potential. Most importantly, keep working on yourself. Your raised standards from doing so may keep you alone for longer than you would like, but not only will that time be invaluable personal growth time, you will also have something well worth waiting for when you finally do find it.

This is part of a series of essays exploring why so many of us have unsatisfying romantic relationships. By unsatisfying, I mean everything from boredom to abuse. Whatever your situation, if you’re unhappy, you may be able to find some answers here, or at least a beginning. Nobody should have to stay with someone they aren’t happy with, regardless of the circumstances (if it’s not good for you, it’s not good for your kids, either). Then again, maybe divorce isn’t the answer; maybe self-discovery is. The point is to develop enough self-awareness to make the right decision for yourself.

This part is about getting into unsatisfying relationships because we don’t know what we really want. There are two aspects to this (at least, two that I’m going to talk about). One is picking someone for superficial reasons. We might pick someone because we think good looks or a physical attraction is what we want. Or, we may marry someone because our family approves of him, or he’s in the right social class, or we went together all through high school, or he was the first person who asked, or any of a number of other reasons that have little to do with compatibility. And yet, in every case, we’re with the person because we think we can be happy. Sometimes, we can be, if we get really lucky. Most of the time, we both end up disappointed and disillusioned, cynical about love, and clueless about how it can be different.

The other, far more tragic possibility is when two people love each other and want to be together, but don’t know how to make a long-term relationship work. These couples will either divorce without ever really knowing what went wrong, or stay together, but settle into an uncomfortable existence on opposite sides of a great chasm of miscommunication. They want to be connected, but they don’t know what to do to make it happen. They want love and romance with each other, but what they get is disappointment and frustration.

Sometimes, we learn our lesson from the first experience and use more sophisticated criteria to pick our next partner. We wisely choose someone on the basis of deeper commonalities and shared values because we want is a real connection. But if we haven’t put enough thought into what constitutes a real connection, we may end up in the second situation: with someone we care about, but don’t know how to build a truly intimate relationship with.

We all want to feel a real, intimate connection with another person, perhaps more than anything else. We probably want love to be like we see it on TV and in the movies; thrilling and adventurous, with perfect understanding and unconditional love. Of course we want that! Who wouldn’t want to be understood and accepted almost unconditionally? Well, it’s possible to have that, but not the way it’s portrayed. The media shows the romance, but leaves out all the hard stuff. If you think romance is supposed to be easy when you’re with the right person, then you don’t understand the true nature of relationships. Real romance is not about flowers and candy in the first six months of dating; that’s just about getting the other person to like us. Real romance occurs only after doing the hard work of building an intimate connection. Riding off into the sunset isn’t the end of the adventure, it’s the beginning.

I think of connection as feeling safe, trusting, comfortable with, and accepted by each other, and being able to share thoughts and feelings freely and honestly, including thoughts and feelings that may be threatening to each other. We don’t go out of our way to hurt the other person’s feelings, but if the choice is between hurt feelings and being dishonest, we must choose the hurt feelings. Above all, we must be able to speak our truth to our partner.

Speaking our truth is the key to real, intimate connection. We must be honest with our partner. Dishonesty, particularly about our feelings, is a death knell for a relationship, and avoidance is a form of dishonesty. If we evade an issue because we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings or we want to avoid a confrontation, soon we find we’re avoiding a lot of issues and conversations; we’re afraid we’ll slip up and have to talk about what we’re hiding. And avoidance feeds on itself: if one of you is holding back, you can bet the other one is, too, because “no talk” has become the unspoken rule. If you’re not saying what’s important to you, eventually you’ll end up unhappy, resentful, and emotionally disconnected. Have you ever seen a middle-aged couple in a restaurant both staring off into space, looking bored or sad, with absolutely nothing to say to each other? That, or divorce, is the end result of avoiding difficult conversations. Kindness is critical, but honesty is more so.

It’s not hard to see how couples end up emotionally disconnected. Talking about sensitive issues is very, very difficult. You must be willing to be uncomfortable and to allow your partner to be uncomfortable. You must get past the idea that sharing anything hurtful with your partner is cruel. It is the opposite of cruel. It is respectful; it is treating him as an adult who is capable of taking care of himself. (Keep in mind that I don’t mean sharing unnecessary information, for example, if you find another person attractive. I mean things you’ll feel dishonest or resentful about if you hold them in.) Very few people are naturally good at this; it’s usually something you must practice and learn. It is the core of a healthy relationship.

The most intimate moments often come not from romance, but from working through disagreements. Being angry and respectful of another person’s feelings at the same time is one of the hardest things you will ever try to do, but it is also one of the most rewarding. This is the excitement and challenge of ordinary, day-to-day life with another person, the “happily ever after” that everybody professes to want: working toward ever-deepening levels of intimacy through all means available. If you understand what’s required, you can have it. It just won’t look like the fairy tale version.

There is one more aspect of connection that I’d like to talk about, perhaps the most important one of all. Sometimes, the most difficult part of intimacy is our own unwillingness to be vulnerable. It’s not that we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings (although we don’t), it’s that we don’t want to risk being hurt. We have our defenses up, and we will only let our partner in to a certain point and no further. This is not how intimacy works. Intimacy takes time, and it is natural and healthy to take time to grow close to somebody. (Instant disclosure is not intimacy, it’s just bad boundaries.) But we must be willing to be open, to move toward intimacy, and to examine those parts of ourselves that stand in the way of doing so. This is quite a tall order. While men are notoriously guilty of emotional distance, women have their own version of it. Becoming engulfed and losing oneself in a relationship, which women are more likely to do (although both sexes can be guilty of either), also prohibits intimacy. It may look like willingness to be close, but engulfment is about neediness, not intimacy. Such neediness overpowers all else and makes intimacy quite unlikely.* Intimacy requires well-developed, emotionally sound adults who are willing and able to do the work, or at least willing to learn how to do the work. A relationship cannot make us whole, but it can make us more whole.

Having a real connection with another person is synonymous with personal growth; it can only make us better, more whole people. Like everything worth having, it’s hard. Everyday life with a partner provides an infinity of opportunity to grow and develop yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Intimacy is really an expression of Spirit, a partnership in which two halves become an ever greater whole. Of course you wanted it; you just didn’t know you wanted it. It’s an adventure I hope none of you miss.

*Here is a brief explanation of why this is the case. Someone motivated by emotional neediness is at a lower level of development than someone motivated by a desire for intimacy. A simple developmental model, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, helps explain why. Acting out of neediness, i.e., feeling fearful and empty, is about meeting safety needs. Safety needs are lower on the developmental hierarchy than esteem needs, which means safety needs must be met first. Intimacy is an esteem need. Thus, if a needy person seeks to fill her void and feel safe via a relationship, that’s not intimacy. Such dependence is akin to a child/parent relationship, which is a very unhealthy dynamic between two adults. You must show up for the relationship with your safety needs largely met so you are able to let your guard down enough to risk real intimacy.

Interestingly, the female version of neediness is enmeshment, while the male version is distance. (This does not mean that needy women always practice enmeshment and needy men always practice distance. Both sexes can do either version. The tendencies, however, tend to run along gender lines.) They look exactly opposite, but they are just opposite ends of the same problem.

This is part one of a series exploring why so many of us have unsatisfying romantic relationships. By unsatisfying, I mean everything from boredom to abuse. The spectrum of bad choices is large, but the underlying reasons for those choices fall into a few general categories. Some people have a pattern of picking incompatible partners. They may stay with these partners a short time and move on, only to repeat the same pattern over and over, or they may have spent many unhappy years with a person, trying to convince themselves that it’s “good enough.” Whatever your pattern, you may be able to find some answers here, or at least a beginning. Nobody should have to stay with someone they aren’t happy with, regardless of the circumstances (if it’s not good for you, it’s not good for your kids, either). Then again, maybe divorce isn’t the answer; maybe self-discovery is. The point is to develop enough self-awareness to make the right decision for yourself. These articles will discuss several reasons why we get in and stay in unsatisfying relationships, in an effort to help develop the self-awareness essential to move beyond this self-destructive pattern. If you are in a bad relationship, or have a pattern of getting into bad relationships, I hope something here will help you figure out why, and what to do about it.

One of the simplest reasons we stay in an unhappy relationship is that we don’t like being alone. If you are a woman, you may have been raised to believe your job is to find a mate, and if you don’t find one during high school or college, you are flawed, somehow lacking in feminine qualities. This isn’t nearly as common a view as it used to be; my generation, the last of the baby boomers, coming of age in the early 1980s, was probably the last one where it was the default outlook. But it still exists, particularly in small towns. So if you dread being alone, it may be simple social conditioning.

Or, maybe you learned in your teens that having a boyfriend or girlfriend just made everything easier. You didn’t have to worry about having a date for the big events. You didn’t have to ask new people out, thereby risking rejection. And you liked knowing your partner was there for you. You liked the safe, comfortable routine of going steady. When you eventually broke up, you were devastated, and wanted a new partner ASAP to fill the void left by the old one. It didn’t really matter if you had much in common; you just wanted the hurt to stop. Having a sexual attraction for each other was enough. If the relationship remained tolerable, you might have ended up married. If not, then it may have been the beginning of a behavior pattern focused on not being alone; the best way to fall out of love is to fall back in, right?

Some of us hate being alone so much that even if we can’t stand our mate, we stay with him until we find someone else. We stake out our next partner and don’t end the relationship until we get something going with someone new. That way, we don’t have to spend any time alone whatsoever. Jumping from relationship to relationship, we don’t give ourselves time to think about what we’re doing. Our focus is solely on staying coupled up. As long as we succeed at that, we feel victorious. This can go on for years (it did for me), and we may spend whole decades of our lives with little or no time off between relationships. Which I guess is the goal, because that way, not only do we avoid being alone, but we also cleverly avoid opportunities to think about our behavior.

Sometimes, because we hate being alone, we hook up with people we feel superior to. This gives us the upper hand, and we feel can stay with them for as much or as little time as we want to. This is not an attractive quality to admit to, but if you hate being alone, chances are you’ve had at least one relationship like this, and probably more.

Most likely of all, you may just feel incomplete without a mate. You can’t shake that nagging sense of emptiness that keeps you coupling up with people you have no real connection with. When you’re alone, that emptiness keeps you vigilant to find a mate. When you’re with someone, you hope beyond hope that this time, it’s really going to work out. Not so much because you love the person madly, but because you don’t want to go through the hurt and humiliation of breaking up yet again.

Whatever your pattern, if you can identify with anything you’ve read here, being alone is terrifying for you. The thought of it holds some mysterious power. It drives you to do things you don’t want to do, go places you don’t want to go, and most of all, be with people you don’t want to be with. As long as you’re not alone, you tell yourself you’re doing fine.

But you’re not fine. It’s not okay to be with someone just because it’s “better than being alone.” It’s not good for you, it certainly isn’t good for the other person (who is really just a prop), and it is not better than being alone. On the spectrum of reasons why people get into relationships, “not wanting to be alone” is one of the most primitive ones, perhaps ahead only of “unplanned pregnancy.”

Being in a relationship because you don’t want to be alone isn’t just immature. It’s compulsive behavior designed to:

• Quell inner feelings and distract you from dealing with them
• Satisfy a deficit that can’t be satisfied because it hasn’t been correctly defined.

Let’s talk about each of these.

Quell feelings. Being in a relationship can be a wonderful distraction from yourself (if that’s what you want it to be). It keeps you focused on feelings of excitement, giddiness, sexual arousal, and later, anger, disappointment, and resentment. Whatever the feelings are, they’re centered on the relationship. It might be merely because you’re an adrenaline junkie, but I think the reasons usually go deeper than that. As long as you have the relationship to focus on, you never have to look at the underlying feelings of emptiness and fear that keep you in this pattern. It works much like a drug to keep down uncomfortable feelings, and the pattern often progresses much like an addiction. I have observed people who’ve practiced this behavior well into their 30s and 40s, and each time they break up, the sense of urgency to get involved again takes on a higher and higher pitch. On some level, they know they’re avoiding something, and the closer they get to that awareness, the more frenzied their search for a partner becomes. If you’ve ever seen a couple that seem to be a glaring mismatch, it may be a situation like this. A person will latch onto whomever he can to avoid dealing with his deeper feelings. Because such partnering is about avoiding feelings and has almost nothing to do with the chosen mate, it is one of the most selfish, narcissistic things a person can do.

Satisfy a deficit that can’t be satisfied because it hasn’t been correctly defined. This, I think, is the heart of the issue. A person who gets into unsatisfying relationships because she doesn’t want to be alone does so because of a perceived deficit. She thinks having a mate will fill her up and stop the longing inside. If the relationship ends in disaster, as it is bound to, she tells herself that she just picked the wrong person, and therefore must keep looking for “Mr. Right.” Because she has misdiagnosed the problem, her solution is destined to fail. The internal longing is not something that can be satisfied by another person, even though we are conditioned to believe it is by movies, books, television, and the advertising media. The internal longing is a person’s own higher calling seeking acknowledgement. That longing is for authenticity, not couplehood. Relationships are only one of a million things that distract us from our inner desire to lead an authentic life, but because of the media pressure, it is a very common and powerful one. The belief that romance can fulfill that longing is just wrong. Authenticity is difficult; it is a high level of development. Answering its call is the beginning of self-actualization. There are no shortcuts, romantic or otherwise. When you keep yourself continually distracted from this truth, you deny yourself the opportunity to ever figure it out.

Nobody wants to be alone, but that is not reason enough to be in a relationship. A relationship is not supposed to be a distraction from ourselves; it is supposed to make us better and more whole people. Until such an opportunity comes along, we should strive to make single life satisfying. Being single is great! In fact, I believe it’s essential for someone who hates being alone to remain single until they figure out why they hate it so much. Figuring it out is the only way to ever have a fulfilling relationship. It’s really a win-win situation. You may not find a mate, but you’ve found yourself. Really, what else is there?

So find a way to enjoy your singleness. It’s the best opportunity you’ll ever have to find out who you really are and what you really want out of your life. Don’t miss it.

What is Personal Development?
What is personal development? Learning a new skill? Losing weight? Finishing a book you’ve been struggling with? Going to back to college? Changing careers? The answer is all of the above. The answer can also be none of the above. True development, which I define as becoming more than you currently are, is a value-based process. If our activities are not rooted in our values, nothing we accomplish will have very much lasting impact or feel meaningful to us. So, becoming more than you currently are is more than moving forward; it is moving forward in the directions of your choosing and for your reasons.

The development process is easy to see in children because it’s natural and inevitable. We start out as infants, unable to talk, walk, or feed ourselves. The infant’s world is very, very tiny. As the infant grows, he learns to talk, to feed himself, to use the toilet, etc. The older he gets, the larger his world gets. He goes to school. He makes friends. He goes camping with his boy scout troop. He becomes adolescent and discovers his sexuality. He starts thinking about colleges. Now his world is large, full of excitement and heavy with potential. Child-to-adult development is a constant process of becoming more. That’s what growing up is.

But development does not stop once we’re adults. Excluding coma victims, we continue to grow until we stop drawing breath. However, the pace slows considerably, and it becomes more a matter of choice. If you don’t have a clear sense of what’s important to you, you can end up in some wild places. Sometimes you get lucky, and these are good places that bring you round, through a back door, to finding fulfillment. Certainly we all have some of those serendipitous experiences. More often, though, they are not where we wanted to go, not what we envisioned for ourselves, and do not give us a sense of meaning. It’s a sad thing indeed to wake up one morning thinking, “What happened to my life? This is not what I thought it would be.”

Having a clear definition of your values can prevent this sad occurrence. Nobody would answer “no” when asked if having a meaningful life is important. And yet, almost nobody would answer “yes” when asked if they have defined a value system to guide their search for meaning. Thus, the industrialized world is full of people whose search for fulfillment is like throwing darts in the dark. When our daily choices aren’t tied to a value system, finding meaning deteriorates into quelling the hunger within. The easiest way to do this, requiring the least amount of thought, is consuming: food, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping. The Buddhist’s have a wonderful term for this: the hungry ghost. Hungry ghosts have tiny mouths and great big bellies, so they are always hungry and never satisfied. They drift through life aimlessly, with sad, desperate expressions on their faces. They exemplify an empty existence.

Without clearly defined values, you have almost zero chance of ever finding meaning, much less sustaining it. You are a hungry ghost.

Defining Values
Defining values is a fairly straightforward matter. What’s important to you? If you have never defined your values, do yourself a favor and spend fifteen minutes or so on it. Think about the things that are important to you. Think in terms of principles: independence, dependability, honesty. Write them down, along with at least one desired goal for each value. A partial list of values and goals might look something like this:

I value:

• Meaningful work. I would like to change jobs so that I am doing work that helps others. To do this, I will have to finish my master’s degree, then look for work in my chosen field.

• Honest, loving relationships. I would like to have a better relationship with my children. To do this, I will have to work on patience and spend more time doing fun things with them. I would also like to improve my relationship with my sister.

• Good health. I want to lose weight and pay more attention to nutrition. I also want to exercise at least three times a week.

• Learning. I love learning for its own sake and want to make time in my weekly schedule to just enjoy learning: reading, web surfing, or whatever.

This is not a finished list; it’s just to help you get started. Working out the details will take some time. Goals should be as specific as possible because they are how we make sure our day-to-day activities fit our values. For example, if meaningful work is a value on your list, and you are not as happy as you want to be in your current job, set specific goals for change. Do you want to ask your boss for more responsibilities? Change departments? Change careers entirely? What have you always wanted to do? Make a plan to do it. Get the training, make the contacts. Make a plan to move in the direction you want to go, and base your daily work activities on this plan. Set dates for completion of each goal. Do this for all your values. Soon your daily activities will be rooted in the values you hold dear. You will be more efficient, more relaxed, and you will feel better about yourself.

If you find it difficult to plan daily activities, then your goals are too vague. For example, if meaningful work is an important value and you have chosen “Make more money” as a goal, it might be difficult to follow through on. You may have to break “Make more money” into more specific goals, such as “Finish Master’s degree,” “Seek promotion,” and “Develop new job contacts.” Which in turn can be broken down into even more specific goals and, eventually, daily activities.

Most goals should also have a timeline. If the completion date comes and goes, don’t give up. This does not indicate a failure! Re-evaluate and re-set the timeline. Goals should be periodically reviewed and updated anyway, perhaps three or four times a year. The most important thing is to figure out a system you can stick to, and stick to it.

Complications of Goal-Setting
Sometimes it seems impossible to live up to the values we’ve chosen, regardless of how specific and clear our goals are. Usually this is because the values we’ve chosen more accurately define how we want to be than how we really are. For example, you’re overweight, and you want to lose weight. One of your values is “Good physical health” and you’ve made goals to adhere to a certain diet and exercise plan and to lose X number of pounds by X date. Those are terrific, well-planned goals! (As long as they’re realistic, anyway.) But something goes wrong, and you find yourself sneaking down to the fridge at night to eat leftovers that aren’t on your diet, and you aren’t sticking to your exercise plan either. You are full of remorse and shame, but can’t seem to behave differently.

What’s going on?

You weren’t honest with yourself about your values. You may value good health, but you value the pleasure of eating more. You may want to be thin, but not as much as you want to eat the food you love. You may want to be healthy, but you would rather watch a movie than exercise.

All of us have blind spots like this, these shortcomings in our character that we are not happy with. They don’t mean that we’ll never be able to change, that the value we want to have is unattainable. In fact, honest acknowledgement of a shortcoming is the first step in changing it. Discrepancies in our value systems can cause a great deal of remorse. But this is good, because:

Honest acknowledgment + remorse = impetus to change.

Sometimes, being honest with ourselves is extremely difficult. That sort of makes sense, if there is remorse waiting on the other side, doesn’t it? But there is nothing more important to our personal development. (I think most of the industrialized world’s woes are caused by self-delusion, but that is a topic for another essay.)

Change is always possible—where there’s life, there’s hope—but it must start with personal honesty.

Summary
To summarize, personal development is the process of becoming more than we currently are. It is rooted in a value system of our own choosing, it can occur in all areas of our lives, and it continues until we die. The way we adhere to our values is by setting goals in conjunction with them and planning our everyday activities around accomplishing these goals. Values, activities, and goals are always fluid and should be reviewed and revised as necessary. Personal honesty is the foundation of all personal development.

Defining and living by our values, the essence of personal development, is a spiritual process. As such, it brings us ever closer to the Great Wholeness sought by all.

All “be here now” means is being fully present in the moment. This may sound simple, or maybe even meaningless. But it’s neither. If you learn only one spiritual principle in your life, make it this one. Mastering this concept is a guaranteed path to contentment, serenity, inner peace, and eventually, enlightenment. Guaranteed.

If you think it’s simple, or that you already do it naturally, try this exercise: find a place you can sit undisturbed for five full minutes. Pick one thing to focus on for the five minutes. The thing could be your breath, a sound, sensations in your body, a single repeated word or phrase (that is, a mantra), counting, or anything else that’s simple and easy to keep your attention on (in your head, so you can’t use any props). Now sit there and focus on it. Set a timer. If you really pay attention, you will quickly realize how difficult it is. If you can stay focused for thirty seconds, without any other thoughts creeping into your awareness, then you are doing amazingly well. Now imagine how difficult it is in your day-to-day life, when you’re not making an effort.

If you are not “here now,” that means whatever you’re doing is not fully engaging you. When you’re working, you’re thinking about when you won’t be working. When you’re not working, you’re worried about what you didn’t get done. When you’re with friends, you’re thinking about your spouse. When you’re with your spouse, you’re thinking about your friends. When you’re with your family, you just shut down completely because you’d rather by anywhere else doing anything else. (I hope you don’t feel this way about your family. It’s just an example.)

An old friend of mine had a very annoying habit. Whatever the topic of conversation, she had done it somewhere else with someone else, and it was always better than what we were talking about. Whoever we were with, she always had better friends somewhere else. Whatever we talked about doing, she had a fond memory of doing a better version of it. She was always wistful and sincere about her adventures, not mean-spirited, but eventually I just stopped spending time with her because I always ended up feeling bad. I couldn’t live up to the friends of her stories, and I finally gave up trying. She considered herself a very spiritual person, but she had absolutely no capacity for being content in the present moment. In fact, she worked quite hard at not being present. In so doing, her life was passing her by, and she had no awareness of it at all.

For that’s what happens when you aren’t “here now.” Your life passes you by. If you are worried about future events or ruminating over past events, your present passes you by like an unnoticed stranger. And the present is all we have! This doesn’t mean that you don’t think about the past or the future; “be here now” does not mean live only for today. It means that if you are thinking about the past or the future, you are doing so deliberately, with intent, because you try to do everything with intent. Daydream, but do so with relish; get lost in reverie, fill yourself up with it. Work with enthusiasm. Find interest in your surroundings. Be present.

How do you know if you aren’t living in the present? If you have to ask, then you probably aren’t. Fortunately, nobody goes through life completely non-present. Here are some activities that are very hard not to be present for:

• Reading a good book or watching a good movie
• Focused activity such as writing or other artwork
• Taking a test
• Strenuous physical activity
• Sex
• A dangerous situation (being in physical danger)
• A thrilling situation (riding a roller coaster, skydiving, white-water rafting, motorcycling).

All of us have experienced some of these things, and so we know what it’s like to be fully present. How full is a moment full of fear, or of exhilaration? All of our moments can be that full. Not in the same way, but satisfying nonetheless. Some people mistake thrill-seeking for living in the moment. They think that by putting themselves in high-adrenaline situations, they are living life to the fullest. They have the motivation right, but they got the execution wrong. The real challenge is to find similar fullness in every moment of existence. Trying to live from peak to peak only results in everything else feeling flat, which is the exact opposite of what being fully present is about.
Here are some ways not to be present:

• Being preoccupied while you’re supposed to be focused
• Being a poor listener
• Being agitated or worried
• Being self-conscious
• Having a low regard for your current activity.

In general, just not paying attention. When the noise inside your head is too loud, it drowns everything else out.

The noise in our heads is the culprit, you see. The voices of fear and self-consciousness, shame, resentment, and envy; if we have not found a way to quiet them, they make it very, very difficult to be fully present with anyone or anything else. To see this, here’s another little exercise to try. Spend some time watching a group of people, any group of people. In a meeting at work, at a party, in a coffee shop, it doesn’t matter. If you observe carefully, you will soon notice that everyone in the group’s main concern is the same, and it is this: “What are they all thinking about me?” Often, that concern is so overriding, it affects our ability to be a good worker, a good friend, a good spouse, or a good parent. Instead of focusing on being a good worker, we focus on getting our bosses’ approval. Instead of being a good spouse, we focus on getting our spouse’s approval. And so on. Something tragic is lost in this jump, and that is our authenticity. When we pay too much attention to the voices of fear and self-consciousness in our heads, our authentic self is lost to us. There is nothing more tragic.

How to quiet the noise? Focused activity is one way. When you are engaged in something you truly enjoy, you are “here now.” Another way is meditation. In fact, meditation is the act of training your mind to be focused; that is, if done regularly, it quiets down the noise enough so that you can be present and mindful in all of your activities.

Meditation has many benefits. There is medical evidence that meditation reduces stress, lowers high blood pressure and cholesterol, increases alpha brain waves (the relaxation waves), helps heal from injury and disease, and helps with insomnia and PMS. People who meditate regularly are more spontaneous, independent, self-confident, empathetic, and less fearful of death. The list goes on and on. Visit any meditation website to find out more information. You will be amazed. (Here’s one, here’s one, and here’s one to get you started.)

There are many different ways to meditate. Some have religious affiliations, but many don’t. Although all the big religions—Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, and Christianity—have meditation practices, meditation is not a religious activity. It is, however, an intensely spiritual one, because it is the best thing going for taking the journey inward. If you can’t find a method you like, then just commit to making time every day to sit quietly with yourself. You’ll find it so wonderfully relaxing, and its benefits so astounding, that soon you won’t be able to do without it. Perhaps you’ll want to find others who are meditating and sit in a group setting. The support and kinship of a meditation group can be a wonderful experience. Whatever you decide to try, enjoy this new life adventure, and remember that it won’t be all roses and sunshine, because no adventure ever is. Sometimes those voices do not want to be quieted, and reaching a place of serenity can take awhile. You can have periods of physical discomfort, anxiety, and frustration. That’s all fine; it means you’re on the right path.

There is an infinity in each moment that we can’t notice unless we are fully present. Each moment contains breath, touch, sounds, sights, thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and environmental stimuli. Each one of these categories is an infinity unto itself. Each one of them is an invitation to “be here now.” Do yourself a favor, and accept the invitation.

It’s important to have a good space for your creative work (or play, depending on how you want to look at it). The more comfortable and at peace you feel, the more likely you are to be in touch with your creative muse. When I made the shift from technical writing to full time creative writing, I refurbished my home work area from something resembling an office cubicle, with an imposing corner desk covered with technical books and papers, to a light, airy space with a small, simple desk, a comfortable lounge chair, plants, and new art. Not until I had moved into the new space did I fully realize how lacking my old space had been, and how important it is to feel comfortable, in a spiritual sense, in one’s surroundings. By spiritual comfort, I mean that when you enter the space, you feel a sense of coming home; a warm, tingling excitement that only that room can evoke. It’s a space wholly and completely devoted to you and your creative aspirations.

You don’t have to spend a lot of money on a space, although a laptop computer is, in my opinion, an essential tool (see below for why). I’ve put together a list of what I think are essential elements of a good personal work (or play) space. I hope some of these are helpful:

• If you don’t already have one, buy a laptop computer. A laptop increases your options a thousand fold. You can work at home, at an office, in a coffee shop, or anywhere else you choose to. You always have your work with you. You can work while making dinner, waiting for your spouse or kids, or while watching tv with your family, if need be. Even if you are a sculptor or painter, you can develop ideas on your laptop anytime, anywhere. Laptop prices have dropped enormously in the past year; you can get one for around $500.00. If at all possible, do it! You won’t regret it, I promise.

• Have both a desk to work at and a chair to lounge in. Creativity needs discipline and laxity. I discovered that when I am doing work I don’t enjoy all that much, a desk is a valuable disciplinary tool. However, when I am doing work I enjoy, I work best in a relaxed posture. Putting a lounger in my office was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Now I have both options.

• Have good lighting. This can mean several things. You should have good light to work by—a desk lamp. You should also have warm, soft, inviting lighting that draws you in and makes you feel cozy—a corner floor lamp or other indirect light source. You should also have good natural light if at all possible; big, high windows on the east and west sides of a room are fantastic. Unfortunately, these aren’t always available, so we have to make do with the natural light we have. Take advantage of it by placing your desk/work area where you can make maximum use of available natural light; another advantage to this is being able to watch the patterns of the sun. It’s beauty can be inspiring.

• Have good ventilation and temperature control. If a room is too hot or too cold, too stuffy or too drafty, it’s difficult to concentrate. Do what’s necessary to keep the room temperature comfortable. Use a fan, or a floor heater, open a window or close one. It’s silly to work in an uncomfortable temperature when it’s so easy, and important, to fix.

• Have plants or other natural objects in the room. I love plants, and my living room is full of them, but only recently did I put them in my work space. What a difference! It’s a wholesome feeling to be surrounded by natural objects, and very conducive to creativity. If you aren’t a plant person, consider getting a fountain, or perhaps some silk plants, dried flowers or a fresh bouquet (although this last one can get expensive if done on a regular basis). At the very least, put nature photos on your screen saver. Having natural surroundings keeps me feeling connected to the universe at large much more easily than if I don’t have these things.

• Have artwork that stirs your senses. You don’t have to buy expensive prints or original art. You can buy posters and frame them yourself, you can even make your art! The important thing is that you have art in your space that inspires you. My most recent purchase is a Kandinsky poster. I love the bright colors, and the abstract design makes for enjoyable musing. I also have some black and white photography and some inspirational sayings dotting my walls. Art should change as you change. If you’ve had the same pictures on your walls for ten years or more, consider an art overhaul not just of your workspace, but of your entire home. You’re probably due.

• Have music available. Even if you concentrate better in silence, there will always be times when you want to listen to music. Sometimes, when you’re not exactly working, but you’re in deep thought about a project or idea, music can aid your productivity. If you do like to listen to music when you work, then it’s essential that you have music you love at your fingertips. I have a wide variety of music on an mp3 player—with a speaker dock, so I don’t have to use earbuds—to suit my many different moods. I also have a pair of good, comfortable earbuds (check out Etymotic.com) for when I work in public areas. I don’t always use them, but they have proven indispensable when a group of boisterous teenagers sits at the table next to me.

• Finally, once you’ve got your space how you want it, occasionally work elsewhere. Don’t be afraid to take your show on the road. Changing environments can be quite stimulating. Your beloved space will always be there waiting for you.

There are some other things that go without saying, such as bookshelves, a filing cabinet, adequate office supplies, and the tools of whatever your particular trade is. But by paying attention to the needs of your spirit, your creativity will soar, without which none of that other stuff is necessary, anyway.

Doing what you really want to do is the essence of self-actualization. I’m not talking about eating what you want, wearing what you want, saying what you want, and other people be damned; that’s just narcissism. I’m talking about answering the higher calling within, about creative work, self-expression, and spiritual wholeness.

Self-actualization, i.e., personal growth and fulfillment, is the highest need on Maslow’s hierarchy. Only when we are well-fed, sheltered, are in a safe environment, have a sense of belonging, and have achieved a sense of self-esteem through work, responsibility, or education, are we primed for self-actualization. All lower needs must be met first. Thus a person living in poverty is less likely to ever achieve self-actualization than someone more privileged. This includes spiritual and emotional poverty, too; a child who grows up with his esteem needs poorly met is also less likely to ever achieve self-actualization.

This leaves a lot of us out, doesn’t it?

In fact, Maslow believed that only around one percent of people reach the level of self-actualization. Many researchers believe it to be even smaller than that. I’m not sure exactly what these numbers mean, if they apply to the world population or just the first world population, but it doesn’t really matter, because my point is not to discuss the dismal chances you have of achieving personal fulfillment. I just want to share some of my own experiences with the self-actualizing process.

I grew up in a very non-esteem meeting environment, with two alcoholic parents who were both unhappy and unfulfilled. Inevitably, I was also unhappy. But I didn’t want to be, and I didn’t think I was supposed to be, and I was terrified to become like my parents. That terror was probably a major catalyst for change when I was too young to know anything more. It was enough to get me into therapy in my early twenties, which was the beginning of a long journey toward wholeness.

I spent the first half of my life doing all the things a person needs to do to feel okay about herself. I stayed in therapy pretty regularly for about twelve years. I read, I journaled, I meditated, and finally, at 27, I got sober. This was when the growth floodgates burst for me. It took about another ten years of hard work to get to a point where feeling okay became natural and wasn’t something I had to consciously work at. I don’t mean that it took ten years to feel good, because I felt good a lot of the time and doing the work felt good and it was satisfying. I mean that it took this long before feeling good became my default state of mind.

Somewhere around my mid-thirties, I found myself starting to think in terms of “what do I want to do?” instead of my old “what should I do?” This was a startling change. It was the beginning of the paradigm shift from getting better to moving forward, from esteem needs to self-actualization.

I didn’t know this at the time. All I knew was that there were things I’d always wanted to do, and I started doing them.

I’d always wanted to travel, and I’d always wanted to do a meditation retreat, so I drove out to the east coast (I live in Minneapolis) for a ten-day retreat. I took a whole month off and drove around New England and spent a lot of time on the ocean, which I love. It was the first trip I’d taken alone, and it was one of the scariest and most fulfilling things I’d ever done.

I’d always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, so when my friend Jim offered to teach me how, I jumped at the chance. He was pretty surprised when I called him two days later, saying I met his stipulations—I got my permit and bought a helmet—and when could we get started?

Jim was in the middle of his own personal odyssey. It was the end of May, and he was preparing to leave the first week of June for an extended motorcycle trip up to Alaska. Nevertheless, he spent several afternoons patiently teaching me to ride, and he loaned me his old motorcycle to use for the summer while he was gone. By the first week in August, I got my motorcycle endorsement. By the second week of August, I bought my own cycle, a 1991 BMW K75S. The following May, after much encouragement from Jim, I took a ten-day motorcycle trip to the Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina. By myself. It was one of the most exciting, spiritual, confidence-building, and funnest things I’ve ever done.

Now, I’m not saying traveling and riding a motorcycle are indicative of self-actualization. But you must understand the place of shame and fear that I came from. I spent most of my life too paralyzed by self-consciousness to do anything I really wanted to do. Transcending the fear that held me back all my life was a spiritual experience in every sense. It was around this time that my outlook shifted permanently away from feeling incomplete to feeling whole, but still growing. No longer did I define myself as someone who needed work. I now saw myself as a work in progress.

I started to do other things. I eased away from self-help books and toward subjects I wanted to learn about. I learned to get support for creative development just as I got support for getting healthy. I started writing more and more, and I started showing my writing to more and more people. (All the creative writing I’d done prior to this was locked away safely in a drawer.) I took some very big career risks from which, whether or not they pay off financially, I have learned invaluable lessons in courage and self-sufficiency. I can safely say that I will never be afraid to quit a job again.

Partly out of luck and partly out of being ready, I made another very important shift toward wholeness. I began developing friendships around shared interests and not around shared pain. Jim was probably my greatest ally and inspiration in this endeavor. I’d known him for several years before he taught me to ride, and he always, always, always encouraged me to think in terms of what I wanted. He was naturally helpful and encouraging with everybody. He was also an example of how people should always be with each other; warm, positive, honest, and encouraging. Largely from his example, I learned to have healthier relationships (or none at all) with everyone in my life. I was very, very lucky to know him, and even luckier to now have him for my life partner. Ah, but how that came about is another story.

Let’s talk briefly about spirituality. I don’t think anyone who is living their heart’s desire would describe it as anything other than a spiritual experience. They may use other words, but the meaning is essentially spiritual: a sense of connectedness, inner peace, fulfillment, and joy. Spirituality embodies all personal growth, but especially the highest levels of actualization. Doing what you want is essentially a spiritual experience, and all roads lead to enlightenment. There is much more to say about this, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

Am I self-actualized? Actualization is a work in progress and not an end result, as growth is infinite. But it is a work of your own choosing on your own terms. Having the external trappings of success does not mean you are successful. Often, true success means giving these things up because they don’t really satisfy your heart’s desire. If you have material belongings but aren’t really happy, look deep inside to find out what’s missing. If you figure it out and have the courage to pursue it, then you are on your way to self-actualization.

Do what you really want. At the end of your life, nothing else really matters.