Emotionally Distant Relationships: What’s the Payoff?
There’s a great movie called “Roger Dodger” in which the main character, played by the wonderfully offbeat Campbell Scott, spends most of his screen time spouting cynical, somewhat misogynistic beliefs about women and relationships. One of his lines, speaking to a pretty young girl about her boyfriend problems, is “It’s the emotional distance that counts, right?” As dark as that sounds, it contains a powerful truth. It’s a succinct summary of the “nice guys finish last,” “women want men who treat them badly,” “why can’t I find someone who loves me for me,” “why am I attracted to jerks” sort of complaints in the relationship world.
I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that emotional distance is the norm, but Roger was on to an important idea, certainly one worth considering if you have any of these chronically misery-causing issues recurring chronically in your life. There are some specific things to look at, and they are not the sociological reasons that there are no good men—or women—anymore. The reasons are inside you, and if you want to remedy this situation, that’s where you must look to find out what the payoff of emotionally distant relationships really is.
First of all, what is an emotionally distant relationship? It can take myriad forms, but it is basically a relationship that should be intimate but isn’t. For whatever reason, you don’t feel completely comfortable with your partner, you don’t feel completely safe, there are impenetrable barriers between you, and you’re not getting what you want. You’re not happy. Or at least, you’re not happy most of the time. Occasionally, you feel alive when you have a moment of connection or you’ve evoked some strong reaction, and these moments can keep you hanging around for a long, long time: sure, neither of you are happy, but you don’t know how to do it any differently, so you stay in this pattern ad infinitum. If you do break out of the relationship, but don’t address the reasons for the pattern, you are destined to repeat it. It’s like your subconscious does the interviewing, and will only allow the space to be filled by somebody with the same emotionally distant characteristics.
Why? Why do we pick people who don’t make us happy, who we don’t feel close to, who we don’t feel safe with? Then do it again, and yet again? While everybody has different patterns and specifics, I think the underlying reasons break down into some combination of the following categories:
- It’s safe
- It satisfies different wants than intimacy
- It’s easier, and thus more common
- It re-creates an unresolved childhood issue.
Let’s discuss each of these.
It’s Safe
Even if you don’t feel “safe” with a person in the sense of being yourself and not being judged, there is a different kind of safety involved here, and that is the safety of not having to risk too much of yourself. If you’re with someone who doesn’t demand a high level of emotional involvement, then you’re never at risk of being vulnerable. It’s like an emotional airbag, constantly employed, cushioning you from the harsh reality of emotional injury. Often you hear about people who have a bad breakup and then get married to the next person they hook up with, maybe just a few months later. This is often about this kind of safe. Having been badly hurt, they decide that they never want to feel that kind of pain again, so they pick someone who will never be able to stir strong feelings. These relationships aren’t the worst kind of emotional distance, as there’s usually no nastiness or abuse, just two shut down people who’ve settled for each other in implicit agreement to never demand too much. It’s bland, but it’s workable.
It Satisfies Different Wants than Intimacy
While “safe” also fits here, this category covers a lot more ground than that. People can pick their partners for many different reasons than love. Sometimes, they don’t want to be alone. Other times, they need to have a partner for career advancement (married men are promoted faster than single men, and ambitious people know this). Or wealth is important, so they marry somebody rich. Or they can’t see past a big fancy wedding. Or they think their family will approve, or it’s just time they got married, or they want to have babies, or they think they’ll never find anyone better. Relationships based on any of these reasons usually aren’t terrible either: If your reasons for getting into a relationship are only tangentially about your emotions, then a strong emotional attachment just isn’t a priority. Again, bland but wholly workable, in an empty sort of way. However, if you start looking for passion on the side, you’ve proven to yourself that your initial reasons for getting into a relationship weren’t very good ones.
It’s Easier, Thus More Common
This means simply that there are a lot more people in the world who haven’t reached a high level of emotional maturity than who have, just as there are fewer college graduates, fewer people in really good physical condition, fewer people who reach self-actualization, etc. In any endeavor, average is more common than exceptional (that’s why it’s called average), and emotional development is no exception. Therefore, there are all kinds of emotionally immature people getting into relationships with other emotionally immature people. Emotional immaturity is a virtual guarantee of emotional distance by default: intimacy is not for the timid, the faint of heart, or the naive. If you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want, you won’t have a lot left over for somebody else. And that’s just fine, and as it should be. It’s when you try to do a relationship anyway that you get in trouble (and who among us hasn’t had this experience once or twice?)
When two emotionally immature people get together, sparks can fly. The emotional distance can take all sorts of awful forms: loud fights, name calling, attacking each other’s vulnerable areas, unfaithfulness, as well as the blander varieties of disconnectedness listed above.
If neither person wants a deeper connection, then things might work out. Remember the scene in “Annie Hall” when Alvy is wondering what makes a relationship successful, and asks a couple on the street? The man looks into the camera and says, “I’m completely shallow, and have no opinions on anything.” Then the woman smiles and says, “And I’m exactly the same way!” Dark, perhaps, but it speaks accurately to the emotional maturity issue.
It Re-creates an Unresolved Childhood Issue
Now it gets interesting. Much has been written about people marrying their mother or their father, and I think much of it is true. Deeply rooted impulses in our subconscious make this almost an inevitability. Many of our ideas about relationships—as well as most other personality traits—are shaped by the time we’re six years old. The best we can do is to be aware of them.
It’s not always a bad thing. If we had kind, loving parents who we felt close to and safe with, then we are likely to seek out kind, loving partners. However, if we had emotionally distant parents, particularly our opposite sex parent, then we grew up with a gaping hole where love and intimacy should have been. Since a child does not have the intellectual or emotional maturity to deal with the overwhelming feelings caused by such a lack, she tends to repress them. She quickly learns to grab any morsel of kindness, love, or support thrown her way and rationalize away the rest. It’s actually a healthy way for a child to deal with scary emotions, because she literally has no other way; emotionally distant parents is a problem she cannot solve. But she learns two powerful lessons that fuel her subconscious relationship impulses and control her behavior for the rest of her life, or until she decides to face the painful—and painful it is—truth. One, she learns that lying to herself is an effective way to deal with emotional distance. Two, she learns that love is connected to performance, and that if she can get the performance right, she can earn someone’s love.
Both of these are, of course, tragically false. Lying to yourself about how someone is treating you creates all sorts of awful situations. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Addiction. Prostitution. Sexual compulsion. You hang on, convincing yourself that it’s “good enough” or that “he’s hurting and I can fix him” or that “I don’t deserve anything better,” or that “it’s better than being alone.” The truth is that no one deserves to be treated badly, there is no reason or excuse that could ever make it okay, and that someone who says he loves you yet treats you badly is a cruel, emotionally immature, person. There is no hope of ever being happy with someone like this, period. He may change, but it won’t be because of you or for you. The sooner you accept that fundamental truth about human nature, the better off you will be.
When love is connected to performance, you have a sense of wanting to “fix” someone. You tend to pick “fixer uppers,” people who aren’t quite what you want, but could be if you can find the right combination of behaviors to make them how you want them (that is, to give you the love you want). Generally these partners are emotionally distant in ways similar (if not identical) to your opposite sex parent, and the “fixer upper” is really you; if you can perform just right, then you will earn the person’s love. There are so many glaring omissions of logic about this idea, I’m not sure they need to be pointed out. And yet, so many of us engage in this behavior. That’s how needy our emotionally distant parents left us—we know on some level that what we’re doing is an ineffective way to feel loved, but our deeply-rooted impulses push us down that path anyway, and we follow willingly.
Love tied to performance is not love. If you have to be a certain way to get your loved one’s approval, then you are in an emotionally distant relationship. This dynamic usually results in a dance of power and control, where one partner seeks approval and the other gives it when it’s beneficial for him to do so. Like the emotionally distant parent, he controls his partner’s behavior by giving or withholding his affection/approval/support.
People can stay in unsatisfying and even abusive relationships, and relationship patterns, for a long time, never really dealing with their unmet needs for closeness and connection. Why? The reason is amazingly simple: it’s too painful to deal with having been unloved as a child. Most people would rather believe that their parents loved them, that they got what they needed from them, and that they’re getting what they need from their partners (or, that they have bad relationships because there are no good prospective partners) than face the ugly truth. However, the divorce rate, the infidelity rate, and the addiction rate in our society all say differently.
A Distance of Our Own
There is the final piece to all of this and it’s the most hopeful, but also the most difficult to look at: our own need for emotional distance. Thus far, I’ve been talking only about emotionally distant partners, but if we get into emotionally distant relationships, then we, too, are emotional distancers. We pick jerks, abusers, alcoholics, and all other types of emotionally distant people because we know subconsciously that we’ll never have to get too close. The emotional distance itself is the payoff for us. So powerful is this drive, we are willing to put up with all manner of poor treatment to avoid intimacy. It’s the skewed way we protect ourselves when we learn very young that being vulnerable is painful and dangerous.
The problem is not with our partner. It’s with us. Exclusively. Completely. Irrevocably. And without exception.
This is terrific news! It means we can do something about it. We can’t make other people change, and we can’t change our childhoods, but we can change ourselves and we can start this very moment if we want to. The big feelings we’ve been avoiding for a lifetime can make it seem more complicated than that, but it’s really not. It’s also all we really have, but it is enough.
Summary
I have come to these conclusions through personal experiences, which, although anecdotal, I believe express a common struggle. I worked hard for many years to come to terms with my emotional issues. After years of therapy, self-help books, bodywork, support groups galore, antidepressants, and gallons of healing tears, I reached a simple, rather elegant awareness: that when all is said and done, all my self-destructive, addictive, shame-based, dishonest, unproductive, and emotionally distant behavior was about dealing with (or rather, avoiding) my grief. Those of us who grew up with parents who weren’t very good at loving us have a deep, heavy grief underlying everything we do until we come to terms with it. It’s not a grief that ever goes away; it will be with me for my lifetime, but accepting this sort of took away its power. It can no longer hurt me or control me. This big, scary, powerful lion that I spent the first third of my life avoiding, with irrational urgency and terror, turned out to be a lamb, a bleating baby that, in reality, had no power at all. It just needed love like everything else. Less than two years after I accepted my grief and all the residue that came with it, I got into the first loving, mutually supportive relationship I’d ever had. This was no coincidence.
Emotional distance is a deceptive weapon. While it may protect us from emotional pain, it also prevents emotional fulfillment. In the end, you can only be honest with yourself about which is more important to you, and make your choices accordingly.
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Great stuff loads of identification and lots of truths about myself I found rather hard to swallow but hey no gain without pain,I have always gotten into emotionally distant relationships and the last one resulted in 20 years but two great kids!!!
George
powerful stuff, great writing. Thanks.
I’ve been re-reading this article every day, letting it sink in. It’s taking some time, but the truth is so powerful that it’s cutting through years of being emotionally shut down. Scary as it is, now I have real hope of being able to connect, first with myself, then with another person. It takes courage not to hide, but that time is over. Being present is so much better! Thank you!
Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know my writing is helping people figure some stuff out.
One of the finest articles on emotionally distant people. Will help a lot of people. God bless
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I’m wrote to you in September, and I wanted to give you an update. I still read your article on a regular basis, because it applies so profoundly to my life. I’m living out an honest, accepting relationship with myself, grieving my emotionally distant childhood, accepting the pain and staying willing to let it go. My attitude towards myself and other people is more gentle, and I’m kind without being whimpy because I now exert healthy boundaries. I can see my parents’ humanity and failures, and somehow in doing that, accept my own. It’s a good place, and a good beginning. Thank you again for your incredible writing.
Hi Ann,
Thanks for the update and for your kind words and support. Staying with the process of dealing with grief and pain takes a lot of courage, I think. My experience has been that the pain will ease eventually (if you stay with that process!), but the grief is something I will carry around for the rest of my life. On my good days, I can actually feel grateful for that grief, though. It’s such a deep part of who I am, and it’s what gives me the insight to write and help other people dealing with similar stuff. It seems to turn out over and over again that my deepest fears and regrets turn out to be my greatest gifts…
In September, you said you had real hope of connecting with yourself and other people. Sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff for that to happen. How’s it going for you? Let me know.
Thank you very much for asking.
It’s hard. The most difficult part is to stay present and not shut down again. But staying present is the thing that allows me not to miss my life. Yep, it’s possible to be emotionally distant with even yourself. This happens when you consistently don’t give yourself what you need, so it’s easy to see how I kept others away without ever intending to do so. But it doesn’t provide safety — it only creates distance from living one’s life. So now I have pain and experience grief, but I also experience happiness and every other emotion, too. I find still find fault with others, but now I have a sense of humor that turns it into understanding because I see my own shortcomings without harsh judgment.
I’m lonely, but have discovered I’m good company, and that I can trust myself to keep my promises; for example that I will stay with the process. It’s hard work, but underneath that is some very real happiness because I’m taking care of myself, and it’s working! And those faults I was so keenly ashamed of all my life – they’re evidence of my humanity and provide a link to other people. I, too, am gaining the understanding that weaknesses become strengths when they are faced with honesty and acceptance. I’m meeting people in a much more open frame of mind.
I believe this is the process of healing, and it’s good. I hope you will keep writing, because what you’ve had to say has literally blessed my life.
Hi Ann,
Thanks so much for sharing. Wow…sounds like you’re doing some really good work. I agree that staying present is incredibly difficult and also that it is THE key. In fact I think that awareness alone will take you everywhere-eventually-you want to go. It’s also a huge awareness that you can be emotionally distant from yourself. I would submit that this is how many, if not most, people operate. Feeling pain has almost become a disease in our culture, something to be “treated” or avoided, but by avoiding pain, you miss out on all your other feelings too…exactly what you said.
You know, everything you wrote could have been me writing a few years back. It’s kind of weird to see myself reflected back to me on such a deep, striking level, but in a really, really good way. Thanks again for the update, and for your kind words. I can’t put into words how much it means to me.-BNK
I have re-read this article several times and now realize how much of this is true. I was in a very abusive marriage for 22 years. Although I finally was able to break away from it and divorce him, I now find myself in a relationship with a very emotionally distant man. I have been “doing everything” to show him that I love him in an effort to get him to open up and love me back, but it’s not working. Now I understand why. I am not sure how to break out of the pattern to get healthy.
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for your comment. Congratulations on getting out of an abusive marriage; it can be very difficult to do. I wish I could give you a recipe or bulleted list to break you out of your pattern, but that’s not how it works. Everyone’s path is unique. I can say that I think you’re asking the right questions and moving in the right direction. Self-awareness is the key to everything. Keep searching and you will find your answers.
I think a lot of women like us tend to believe it’s selfish to focus on ourselves, but that’s completely wrong. You MUST spend a period of time focusing on yourself to heal, grow, and become whole. A relationship is an easy way to avoid doing this. Because we invest so much emotional energy in it, we don’t have a lot left over for ourselves. I don’t know if you’re doing this, but if it fits, consider making more time for yourself. In the immortal words of Dear Abby, “It takes an awfully good man to be better than no man.” When I finally took these words to heart, my growth curve steepened exponentially.
Best of luck to you, and please let me know how you’re doing. -Kitty
Thank you for this article. It makes a lot of sense. I feel like I could read it over and over again, (and probably will) and learn something new every time. You’re so right that you have to let go before you can move on. I’m working on doing that right now.
Dear Kitty,
Thank you for writing this article. My childhood was so bad, my father so emotionally distant, that I just realized that I have never had the ability to recognize what love looks like. I have had a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships as far back as I can remember. I have known three men in my life who did love me, I realize now, and I was mean and hateful to them– my way of running from something I always wanted (love) but I was uncomfortable with it because I was afraid if I accepted that love and loved back, I would be risking being deeply wounded like I was as a child by my father. I loved him, I wanted and longed for his attention and time, but he rejected me with hostility. My mother was, on the otherhand, physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive towards me. I hated her and felt unprotected at all times. I wish I could afford therapy. I would really like to heal. I feel like I have lived in captivity for nearly all of my life. Afraid to love and be loved. Afraid to get close to someone on an emotionally intimate level. I was married once and with this man I shared my
most intimate secrets and he used each one of them against me and broke that trust. It’s been eleven years and I have remained alone since. I consider myself now, to be a beautiful woman, but unwilling to take a chance to connect with someone. I notice I choose emotionally distant friends and when I realize this I turn away from them. Not wanting anything to do with them anymore.
Hi Cyndy,
I don’t know when you made this comment; I just today saw it as pending, searched my inbox for the date and couldn’t find it. So I don’t know how long it’s been, but if it’s been a long time, I apologize for not acknowledging it sooner! Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I can feel your pain through your words and wish I was there to give you a big hug. If you can’t afford therapy, there are books and self-help groups and if you have even one safe friend, share your struggle with her (but better not to risk it if you aren’t sure). Also, many clinics have sliding scales for therapists, so you might want to look into that. Whatever you do, don’t give up. It can be a slow process but there are lots of people out there who want you to succeed (I’m so sorry your family aren’t among them), and you only need to find one or two of them to change your life. Good luck and please let me know how you’re doing!
Take care,
Kitty
Thanks so much for this article. It has really opened my eyes to my emptiness. How does one really come to terms with this distant relationship one has with their father especially while he is still alive? I would rather he be dead than alive and never get close to him no matter how I try, other times, I let go and sort of give up. We can go for months without ever talking, it hurts and amazes me that he never asks about me or my kids, I have unfortunately, married a man who is also emotionally distant and it is truelly a lonly journey. Often think of divorce and wonder if the grass could be greener on the other side. This is hard but it seems it is something I must accept and move on without the loving father/daughter relationship I read in mags about. Thanks again for helping me to see things as they are. Going to have to read this article over and over again until it sinks in and helps me make sense of this life.
Hi Vanessa,
Thanks for your comment, and my heart goes out to you. Your father sounds a lot like mine. I hadn’t talked to him in almost SIX years and reconnected with him last Christmas. He didn’t ask one single question about my life! But because I’ve pretty much accepted who he is and the truth about our relationship, it only hurt a little–but it validated my decision to keep my distance a lot. This stuff has to be worked out on our end, alone, and as long as we keep hoping or expecting that to be different, we stay stuck with it. But I believe that it’s actually a good thing we have to do it on our own, even though it hurts, because we get to do it on our terms. Accepting it and moving on is exactly the key–but how do you do that? It sounds like you’re on the right track. One thing that really helped me a lot (and I think I’ll write a post about this) was understanding that my father’s behavior has nothing to do with me. I’m not unlovable, or defective, or stupid. His lack of interest says everything about him and nothing about me, and that was as true on the day I was born as it is today. Of course, I carry around the residue of having grown up in that environment and I am stuck with having to deal with that bag of dung, and that sucks, but the sooner a person accepts that sad reality the sooner they can start working through it. You know?
Is the grass greener? Only you can decide that. Sometimes you can work things out with your partner and sometimes you can’t. All I can say is your own healing and growth will lead you down the right path, and that is a promise! Focus on that, and the right decisions will eventually become clear to you.
I’ve been writing a lot of posts lately about family support, or lack thereof. These might help you a bit, too. I am sending all my positive energy out to you and wish you the best. Please let me know how you’re doing.
Kitty
This post makes sense of a long term relationship that I can see now is/was emotionally distant but kept alive with those intermittent moments of connection that were just enough reward to keep the game going. I am trying very hard to let go, wrestling and suffering a lot. Knowing what is going on helps, so thank you for writing this.
My question is around healing the original hurt that keeps me in pursuit of connection with emotionally distant people. I am lucky enough to have good health insurance and have started therapy, but not sure how this works. I’m assuming this is about my emotionally distant parents. I know there are no clearly delineated “how to stop reenacting your family of origin issues” steps (or are there?), but can you walk me through how it might work? Start with grief and parent issues, work with my current inability to stop trying to get my boyfriend to be closer? How does one process decades old grief? I am interested in this connection to grief, and that insight has really landed with me.
I realize this is a lot to ask. One more question: how did you get so wise?
Hi Liz,
Thanks for your comment. You’re right, there are no clearly delineated steps for coming to terms with your FOO issues, largely because everybody’s issues and needs are unique. But asking the right questions is a great start, which you are doing. Therapy is also a great start, which you are also doing–but if this is your first experience with therapy, don’t be afraid to take care of yourself around it. That is, if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, try another one, and another and another if necessary until you find one you resonate with. And feel free to interview them before deciding to continue. Not everyone is a good fit. Also, processing decades-old grief (and this is, IMO, the exact, core issue!), takes time and patience. You must learn to forgive yourself, to be gentle with yourself, and yet to push yourself toward ever deeper levels of awareness. With the awareness will come deeper levels of willingness to face the grief, which is where the healing happens.
It’s kind of an upward spiral of change, usually far more gradual than we would like it to be. But I have found that if I pull on one thread, all the others will start to unravel, and the process kind of takes on a life of its own. Let your inner voice guide you, and you will not go wrong.
Another thing you can do is read, read, read. BNK is a good start, but there are tons of books that address our issues; you could start with the work of Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw, for example. And you can go to self-help groups if you find one that’s a good fit, or find some other forms of support–it’s very important to have people on your side who aren’t threatened by your growth. I would also suggest some form of spiritual practice, if you don’t already have one. I cannot emphasize too much how crucial meditation has been to my process.
Finally, how did I get so wise? -chuckle- Well, thank you for that. I still have a long ways to go. But the stuff I’ve figured out I’ve done by all the ways I’ve suggested to you–and by having a sincere desire to change. As my therapist put it once, “I’m motivated.” And, I was lucky to find people and groups and books and a therapist early on that all channeled my efforts in the right direction.
If you peruse BNK, you will find posts on all the topics I’ve mentioned here. I talk a lot about my personal story and share my own struggles as honestly as I am able. I hope they help you. Thanks again, and please let me know how you’re doing. I can’t express how wonderful it feels to know that my blog is, in some small measure, helping people figure some stuff out.
Kitty
Hi, Kitty!
I wrote to you beginning in 2008 in the comments on this posting. This article gave me insight that was the beginning of A LOT of healing. I figured out that in my family of origin, I had learned to shut down emotionally, first from my parents to protect myself, and then later from myself. The result was that I had spent most of my life on autopilot, either emotionally numb or overwhelmingly anxious. Yechy places to be.
So I set about making friends with myself, and the first thing I had to do was learn to spend time with myself without feeling as if I was going to crawl out of my skin. I was taught from an early age to feel worthless, and it took time to undo that. My first meditation session lasted about a minute, and what a long minute that was!
I read your blog regularly, but this remains my favorite article because it has led me to become my own best friend! I never dreamed that could happen. Joining Al-Anon helped tremendously; my Dad was an angry alcoholic. Hearing other peoples’ stories and telling my own helped end my isolation, and I now have true friendships with peers. This in comparison to my past relationships that were as you wrote, “fixer uppers” with me desperately trying to “earn” love. I have left that behind (finally!), and now delight in getting to know people just as they are, and being myself with them. What a wonderful gift your writing has given me!
I still haven’t dated though I’m open to it, I’m focused on working on my own stuff, and not just waiting around for meeting a guy so that my life can begin…yep, I felt that way for the longest time, but no longer. I attempted to use people to fill the black hole at my center, but I know now that it can’t be filled from the outside, but only from within. I’m responsible for my own happiness, and though I derive tremendous pleasure from friendships, I must be comfortable and at peace within my own skin, and I am. It’s absolutely incredible to be able to write that and know that it’s true!
Thank you so much for your wonderful, insightful writing!
Wishing you all the best,
Ann
Does this apply to men too? I would definitely say so. I have been involved in unhealthy relationships, with the longest one being only one year. I have been single for years. My past relationships have tended to be unhealthy ones, therefore I consciously chose to be with someone who I trust and feel comfortable with, not because there is sexual attraction, but because we are compatible and we feel comfortable/safe/secure with one another. This is why I chose to be single.
Women–is it possible for you to chose a man who may not immediately arouse you, but for you to consciously choose one who would be good for you, who wouldn’t hurt your feelings, who you could build a friendship with and maybe later on convert it to a healthy relationship?
Hi Justin,
Thanks so much for your comment. Of COURSE this applies to men, too. Emotional distance has no gender preference, although masculine and feminine versions can differ greatly. For example, women tend toward too much dependence (paradoxically making true intimacy impossible) and men tend to be hyper-independent. While these are the feminine and masculine extremes, either sex can exhibit either extreme, and most of us are a messy combination of each (sometimes to an unhealthy degree, sometimes not).
I think it’s great that you’ve chosen to be single rather than be in unhealthy relationships. I did the same thing and it turned out to be the biggest period of growth in my life. I figured out a lot of stuff! And this enabled me, somehow, to open myself up to more available and compatible people. Turned out my problem wasn’t all the rotten men in the world, but my own subconscious attraction to emotional distance. Once I worked through that (and it took years of bad choices and then abstinence), it just ceased to be a problem, like a wall that didn’t really exist. Good, kind, sincere people are everywhere; I just had to learn how to look for them.
So in answer to your question to women in general, I would say this: there are compatible women out there, but you won’t find them until you are psychologically and emotionally ready to find them. Immerse yourself in the inner adventure and figure out why you haven’t had good relationships. Read books, go to therapy, journal, meditate. Along with this, do things you’re interested in doing, do things you’ve always wanted to do, go out and have fun, and you will meet people along the way. If you are sincere in the effort, you will find people you feel connected to, and if you’re lucky (as I was), maybe you will find that special someone with whom you can build a partnership. I wish you all the best in that endeavor! — but the work on yourself HAS to come first. Without that, it is nearly impossible to not repeat the same patterns.
Always remember, you can’t change the world, but by changing yourself, you can change your own little corner of it. Best of luck to you and please let me know how you’re doing.
Kitty
Thank you for writing and posting this. I have reached a point in my life where I have to accept I wasn’t loved and finding this article only helped realize that even more.
thanks for writting such a clear article,it has helped me aot.my father was a drinker and mum insecure they loved each other but dad let her down so much due to his weakness for drink. for some reason i dontremember alot of my childhood i remember dad more in my early teenage years he ws the one who got up to get me to school,made my lunch.i loved him very much.although im the yungest mum always told me to help the others.i met a man i loved but he cant share himself,he gets embarrased and is afraid to say or do things in case he gets hurt.its a lonely place to be.ive left him now but still love him im always hoping hel realise what hes lost and change but its becoming clear he cant,i want deep love in my life and after reading your article i think il look more at myself to find the way forward
Hi Marie,
Thanks for the comment, and I’m glad the article helped you figure some stuff out. Whenever someone says they’ll look more at themselves, I feel that I’ve done my work.
Keep at it and please let me know how you’re doing if you’re so inclined.
Take care,
Kitty
[...] own, I am going to carry that into adulthood. This can manifest in many different ways, from having emotionally distant relationships to burying myself in a career where feelings are “unimportant.” We always have valid [...]
all my life I wondered why I was different in the repsect that I felt I never belonged anywhere or in any group of people that I encounted. I enveined the popular girls. It was not until I watched Mary Tyler Moores Life story that I realized I never had (like She) the connection in early life that makes someone able to adjust and be part of society. She was able to over come so much in her life. She could look back without any regret in her 70′s on her own through sheer determination. That is what I am determinted to do.
Hi Capricorn,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Isn’t it amazing what clicks with us and gets us moving on a different path? I have had many experiences like that, that sort of hit me in a way that made me see things more clearly, and it’s so cool when it happens. You never know where that inspiration will come from. Which I suppose is a lesson in remaining open-minded…Anyway, thanks for the comment and best of everything to you. Please let me know how you’re doing if you’d like.
Take care,
Kitty
how do we know if this is a professional giving advice?
Hi again Kitty, thanks for sharing your experiences. I can’t believe how much of what you’ve shared resonates with me. Although there was no alcoholism in my family, I had an emotionally abusive mother, and a distance father… so, surprise surprise I ended up in an seriously emotionally distant marriage. I went cold when I read this sentence in your post:
“So powerful is this drive, we are willing to put up with all manner of poor treatment to avoid intimacy. It’s the skewed way we protect ourselves when we learn very young that being vulnerable is painful and dangerous.”
I’m working on my own distancing patterns and have since seen glimmers in my husband of the same. But I still can’t say, nor do I feel sure, whether we’ll be able to bridge the distance enough to me to feel like we truly connect; to really feel like the amount of intimacy and connection we’re creating is enough for me. I am hopeful, but there’s still that unsure place inside of me. It’s very tiring.
Hi Hopeful,
Thanks so much for your comment. Alcohol is not a cause, but a symptom, of emotional distance, so it isn’t surprising that you grew up in a non-alcoholic home that still had emotional distance issues. (One of the best books I ever read, years ago when I first started to heal, was about children who grew up with a mentally ill parent–point being, whatever you fill in the blank with, the end result is emotional distance/invalidation.) I’m sorry about your emotionally distant marriage, but I’m so happy you’re addressing it. It can take a lot of time and soul-searching to decide whether such a relationship is worth salvaging or not. If you are both kind and earnest about wanting to make it work, and you share values and a similar world view, then you can make it work; my post on “Poor Raw Material” talks about this. But the most important thing is that you keep working on yourself, because all of the answers are within.
Good luck! And please keep in touch.
Kitty
Hi Kitty!
What is the name of the book you’ve mentioned…about children who grew up with a mentally ill parent?
thanks…
Hi Liz,
Gosh, I’m so sorry, that was so a long time ago and I don’t remember the name of the book. I thought it was “Let Go and Grow” by Ackerman, but that was about adult children of alcoholics. You might try that one, as emotionally distant parenting has similar results no matter what the cause of it.
So sorry I can’t be of more help!
wow my mother was emotionally distant and my father was just distant. (divorcing when I was 2) Now I’m divorcing my ex. But, I seem to have found myself another distant relationship! He is also physically distant because he withholds sex too. Whats most intriguing is he is very generous in all other aspects! Sex and any display of affection is bad/wrong/just plain unacceptable to him. I’m thinking of abandoning his acquaintance, it’s just I have fallen in love! Now what do I do? Where do I take this Friend w/some Benefits relationship? Any suggestions?
i feel like i’m in a semi-emotionally-distant relationship right now. i can’t explain this. i just get these moods once in a while where I feel quite distant from my BF. I hate being disappointed. So I’ve decided to just not invest TOO much feeling anymore. Instead, I’m focusing on school and my studies (I’m an MA student in philosophy).
I think its true what someone said above about hyper-dependent and hyper-independent. For me, I think I lean more toward the latter (thankfully). BUt I don’t know.. do you ever get the feeling people judge your relationship? I know my relationship is not perfect, and I have times where I feel emotionally distant and not as ‘in love’ as at other times, but when I tell my friend about when I’m not as ‘in love’ she just criticises me and tells me that I don’t love my Bf, that i’m this and that.. then she tells me to look at her relationship. But she’s lost so much of herself in her BF.. she does everything for him. And that’s never been my personality. Maybe it’s not that I am incapable of loving someone to a very large degree.. maybe that is just my personality and I am a strong, independent individual with my own interests and desires?? Or is it just that I haven’t properly ‘fallen in love’ with my BF or that I don’t love him at all? Sometimes, people make me feel like I should be experiencing certain things I don’t experience.
I don’t know.. I would appreciate if someone answered this… please say if you’ve had similar experiences.
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for the comment. Yes, I have had similar experiences, I think. I had a lot of relationships before I found someone I am truly compatible and content with at age 38. I had an oscillating pattern of hyper-dependent/hyper-independent. That is, I seemed to hook up with men who I was intensely in “love” with but who were indifferent (e. distant) to me, then with men who felt that way about me, but whom I was indifferent about. I figured out eventually that in the first scenario, I was trying to fix my relationship w/my father, and in the second, I was trying to fix my rel w/my mother. In all cases, though, there was an unequal balance of power that made true intimacy impossible, and on some level, this was where I felt safest, even though the relationships were unsatisfying (and in some cases, even abusive).
Does this fit at all? …It sounds as though you are creating the distance in this relationship for whatever reason. I suspect that your distancing is some version of self-protection, but why and from what, is for you to figure out.
Every relationship ebbs and flows. The most loving of couples sometimes hate each other’s guts (and not usually at the same time). If this ebb and flow happens within the context of a committed intimacy, then it’s not a big deal. If not, if there is a sense that the whole relationship is up for grabs (or if you are indifferent about the outcome), then there probably isn’t a lot invested, or much to save, or a reason to save it. This is neither good nor bad and there is no reason to judge yourself (or your BF) for it. Not all relationships are meant to be long-term; in fact, most aren’t. Most are, like everything else in life, learning experiences that help us tweak and hone our expectations and bring us closer to discovering what we really want, what we’re really looking for. Maybe you’ll decide he’s what you want, and maybe you won’t. It doesn’t matter, and it certainly doesn’t matter what other people think! What matters is that you are honest and kind, and that you keep an open mind and a willingness to learn whatever lessons the relationship has to teach you.
I hope that helps. If not, or if you have more thoughts or questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.
Take care,
Kitty
[...] Emotionally Distant Relationships: What’s the Payoff?, I defined emotional distance as, simply, “a relationship that should be intimate but isn’t.” [...]
Very well written; thank you for sharing it with us. I live with an emotionally distant mother, and although I love her more than anything, I know she’ll never really love me back. I’m starting to feel okay about that though.
Thank you again. It’s good to know someone understands.
Thank you for writing this article. Well written and one with which I can identify… now to work more on myself. Although I am not sure what one would do to change. And it is heartening to know that you did find the connection you dreamed of. It gives me hope.
Excellent article. I have spent most of my life in unhealthy relationships, usually emotionally distant people or troubled people. My relationship with my mother was poor and she rejected me at birth with depression, this continued into my teens until I left home. I have had counselling many years ago which helped me realise that I had not been shown ‘boundries’ from an early age, hence my dabblings with bad relationships. It sort of never really occured to me that I was perhaps subconsciously attempting to resolve an issue from childhood by trying to constantly ‘fix’ people. I’m luckily in an excellent healthy relationship now however I recently had a wobble which lead me to look deeper into myself about why I could not just be happy with what I have. My wobble led me to an encounter with someone, nothing physically happened but an attachment of some sort was made which left me an emotional wreck.
So after all these years an old bad habit emerged slap bang in the middle of a good relationship. I recognized the problem right away and stopped the unhealthy relationship before i ruined myself and my good relationship. It scared me that I walked into it blindly but it also made me look at why and also made me land here in a place where I make sure I dont do it again.
Its not easy reconising issues like this but once you do and once you acknowledge them then they can be worked on. Just as I am doing now.
This article means more to me than you can imagine.
I’m still young at sixteen years of age. By choice I have not been in any romantic relationships, and therefore the romantic aspects of what you have written are still not relevant. They won’t be, until I do go into a romantic relationship. However, I hope that I will find a healthy relationship. Though, I’m not really willing to enter one until I’ve sort of got myself together. Even if it were not for this conscious choice, I don’t think I would be in a relationship for a while.
The more I think that a person will become extremely important to me (and it’s been drilled in my head that a boyfriend should be one of these people), the less I’m willing to interact with them. Reading some of your other articles, then I’d say that this is due to my “invalidation” as a child and even now. In order to avoid rejection by my family, I’ve put up huge impenetrable walls around me and started wearing an outer shell that my family wouldn’t be ashamed of. Your articles have helped me realise this, and now that I’m more self-aware, I think I can finally start healing.
This article was the first of yours that I read. Though the article was specifically about emotionally distant romantic relationships, the more I read, the more I couldn’t deny that this is the way I felt about the relationships I have with my family. I finally reached the section about the unresolved childhood issues, and it was tough to read. I paused a lot, and the lack of denial made me cry. It was a horrible sort of realisation, because my family are supposed to be the ones emotionally supporting me.
Then, I got to the paragraph about “our own emotional distance.” Everything made too much sense; it was painful.
After I was able to digest everything, I felt a little bit better about myself. Having more self-awareness about the grief and surrounding issues (such as the wall) that I have was amazing, albeit uncomfortable. Before reading this, I recognised that there were things wrong with me (it’s uncomfortable wording it that way, but I’m not sure how to word it otherwise). This article made me realise that it was more a cause and effect type thing. It was my family’s behaviour in my younger years that formed major parts of my personality. I didn’t just turn out to be defective (I can’t believe that’s how I really thought..). Knowing the cause and effect thing, I let go of some of my shame about my flaws.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there is room for change. The only thing I have irrevocable control over is my own behaviour, though change is a slow process. I’m not going to give up the healing process by just blaming my behaviour on other people.
This was the first articles of yours that I read, and it did an amazing amount of good. I’ve began to read your other articles, and they have helped a tonne too. I’m looking forward to reading everything, and (if I have the money) reading what you recommend as well.
Thank you so much for having this blog. You have helped me a lot, and you will continue to do so. If there’s anything that proves the emotional worth of the internet (the worth of the internet outside of a database or anything related to entertainment), then it’s blogs like these. I’m so grateful.
Hi Jessica,
Thanks so much for your comment and I’m thrilled that you are finding so much good stuff on BNK. If this article means more to you than I can imagine, know that your comment means more to me than YOU can imagine. I’m amazed that you are only 16. If I’d had half your wisdom at that age, I can’t even imagine where I’d be today. Your self-awareness and honesty is absolutely incredible. I think you have a very bright, and happy, future ahead of you.
Thanks again for your comment and please keep in touch.
Take care,
Kitty
Hi Kitty
Brilliant article you’ve written. It described me down to a T and I’ve never approached this subject before so it’s relieving to know it’s quite common!
I want to stop this pattern but don’t see how I can grieve for being unloved when I was but just wasn’t shown it?
Just one thing, my parents loved me but were unable to show it – they lost a grown child before I was born and I came along within a year or two after her death. They were still grieving and especially my mother was unable to form a close bond with me and as I child I sensed this but didn’t understand it. But even though I didn’t feel love from my mother, I now know that she did and does love me. My father is loving towards me but still emotionally closed, as is my whole family apart from me! I’m the black sheep. Anyway, I’ve always been attracted to men who are dangerous, have baggage, treat me badly or just don’t seem that interested in me
Any thoughts?
Kyla
Hi Kyla,
Thanks for your comment. I think I’ve really hit kind of a universal nerve with this post because I get so many comments from people who say “that’s exactly what my experience is.” I guess the lesson in that is that nobody gets out of childhood unscarred. Not because all parents are bad people–but because all parents are imperfect people. The only way to not damage your children to SOME extent is to not have them.
Anyway, it’s good that you know your parents loved you. It will help you as you dig deeper into this work. But as you know, love doesn’t always mean nurturing. My guess is that in your attraction to unavailable men, you are trying to get the attention from your parents (maybe dad, maybe mom, maybe both) that you craved and needed as a child. Learn to nurture and love and be available for yourself, and your attraction to unavailability will naturally subside. Of course, this is easier said than done and usually involves a fair amount of introspective work, preferably with someone who has experience in doing it (yep, a therapist). We all have similar scars, similar pain, similar fears and anxieties. But even so, our details are all unique–and it is in uncovering the details where you will find answers and healing.
Most of our parents loved us, even if that love was sometimes inadequate. But most of our parents also made mistakes and hurt us. It may sound negative, but for awhile you need to focus on those mistakes and hurts in order to figure out the sources of your adult patterns. We can do so lovingly and without resentment, but it’s also okay if along the way you find a little outrage and indignancy. It’s all part of the healing process, and there is no wrong way to do it–except to not do it.
I hope this was of some help to you–if not, let me know. Best of luck to you Kyla, and please let me know how you’re doing.
Love,
Kitty